Tuesday, May 12, 2009

wake up empty

It doesn't happen very often anymore.

You see, I like living alone. Or rather, semi-alone, since I share custody of my 5 year old with the ex. And if the dog could fuse himself to me, he would. The cat doesn't care as long as I feed him. I like writing far into the night, and going to bed whenever the hell I want to. I like not having to respond to someone else-s anal-retentive cleanliness issues. I like having a bed with some give - not that rock hard thing that bruised my hips for eight years, and I like sprawling all over when I sleep.

Last night I had a dream - I dreamed that the ex's girlfriend wanted to start getting the kids (hers and ours) together for outings. In the dream we were scheduling things, she was talking about what Emily might like to do...and she offered me a slice of pizza because she thought I might be hungry.

I don't eat pizza. It makes me throw up, but she went in search of pizza for me anyways. In my dream she was about four feet tall and about fifty years old. She looks nothing like that irl.

So, am I jealous? Like, I have no sexual attraction for the guy whatsoever, I don't want him, he can do whatever he pleases. My insecurities are all about what I can and can't offer my kid. With me, she'll never again experience having two opposite sex parents living in the same household. That's okay with me - more than okay.

But I want her, and her dad, and everyone else on the planet to know - she only has one mother. And that's me. Sometimes I worry that if there is a girlfriend (on his side) and other kids around that she may just like being around her dad more than me. I know that this is baseless, but I worry anyways.

After all, he's fun dad. He has a lot more money than I do. He has been seeing the same person long enough that they just might be thinking about getting the kids together once in a while - it's hard spend time together without the kids when you always have the kids. I can see that - but I would be waiting a lot longer if it was me.And he's you know, dating.

I'm not. I could be, but I'm not.

Why not?

Because I'm fucking terrified, that's why.

Dreaming about other people moving on when I feel stuck just rubs it in.

I need to get over whatever baseless fears are holding me back.

"Today, like every other day, we wake up empty
and frightened. Don't open the door to the study
and begin reading. Take down a musical instrument.
Let the beauty we love be what we do.
There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground."


That's why I write. That's why I need to connect with people on a deeper level. Because I don't want to wake up in tears anymore.


Janet said...

And you'll write your way all the way through to the other side.

Real Live Lesbian said...

No one can ever replace one's mother. It's just not possible. So fear not.

You'll make it to the other side. Just keep on keeping on. That's how we all got over here.

Lovely poem! I love Rumi.

Anna said...

Janet - I will write my way there - that's how I roll!

And RLL - I'm mostly okay. I was in the throes of PMS when I wrote this entry. Life is a wee bit better now.