Friday, May 22, 2009

fuck fuck fuck

I figured I was safe.

After all, it's been sixteen years, and he lives thousands, literally thousands of miles away. An ocean away. He's not tech savvy - and in moments of great fear (although not for several years) I looked for him, to make sure that I knew where he was.

So that I could keep breathing, live normally, as I have almost since the day he left the country and I got a new, unlisted number.

I grew complacent. My number is listed. I live in a bigger city. I don't look anything like I used to. He could walk right by me and never know it was me.

My biggest mistake is coming back to haunt me, and the worst thing is, he simply Does. Not. Get. It.

Why else would he try to friend me on Facebook?

I was nearly ill. My hands are still shaking. Yes, it was that bad.

A former supervisor, from the centre I worked in sixteen years ago, told me at a recent conference that he was still sending letters to their location, one or two a year, and that she just tossed them in the trash. Once every five years or so, he sends something in care of my parents. It's a small town. Even if the address is incorrect, things end up in your post office box anyways.

He's going to try to friend everyone in my family. Including my daughter, who was four years old when he came into our lives.

Shit, shit, shit.

I've checked my stats. He hasn't found me here, yet.

And it's not a matter of being in fear of my life (but I don't know if that's even true, because it could have gone there, had he stayed, and I made damn sure that he would have to jump through some pretty huge hoops to get back into the country)'s about being perpetually and endlessly harassed.

Damn it all, why?

Sorry this is so incoherent, it's just such a pain in the butt...and my daughter's not home, so I can't get her to change her privacy settings on her facebook. He could be looking at pictures of her right now!



Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this. I'm here if you need to vent.

SOLO said...

Whoa, how disconcerting. I wish we could help you out on this one, but I do have a small piece of advice. You can purchase a little thingie called an 'anonymizer' which hooks in between your computer and modem and virtually eradicates an ISP address. He wouldn't be able to trace your path on the internet at least.

I certainly hope that this turns out well for you.

Avril Fleur said...

Ahhh...I'm sorry to hear that. I've got an ex that I have no desire to ever hear from again as well. A crazy, nut job one (with a crazy nut job twin sister to boot) who threatened suicide on more than one occasion and was abusive with me, although more mentally than physically. I was young and dumb and had no self-esteem and stayed with him for 7 years. The last 2 pretty much out of fear. I finally broke up with him and moved to my own place, but anytime I tried to cut off contact he would come to my apt. bldg and try to get in. Sometimes he was successful and would bang on my apt. door as I sat inside in the dark trying to keep quiet while he yelled "I know you're in there!"

He would also call me from phone booths 25, 50, 100 times a night after I had his ph# blocked. Finally I just gave in and talked to him on the phone once or twice a day to give him "hope" all the while surreptitiously making plans to move to another location. And one day I did it. Just moved. Talked to him on the phone one day as if everything was normal and then moved the next day without so much as a fare-thee-well. I had nightmares for a good year that he would find me. I was in the same city. Once the phone company mistakenly published my unpublished phone number. And yes, the day that phonebook came out, he called. It also listed my address, but luckily not my unit #. And guess who sent me a Christmas card that year. When I heard his voice on my answering machine I broke down crying. It was horrible. I had also gotten complacent after a few years. So yeah, I can understand you hyperventilating after getting that friend request. I think I would have the exact same reaction.

Anna said...

Thanks so much, greg...I'm okay now. I'm not going to let fear overshadow all that's good in my life. It was a hell of a shock to find his name in my inbox, that's for sure!

Anna said...

Solo - thanks so much! I don't think he has the wherewithal to find my ISP address - up until now, he's had no internet presence whatsoever. And a quick google search turned up nothing - he obviously isn't trying to hide, since he attempted to "friend" me on facebook. I'm feeling better after a long walk.

Avril - I don't think I met him, but i remember you talking about him. We had about the same level of self-esteem, I think, because this guy is very similar - he would have called, visited, sat outside my door, whatever, if he had been allowed to stay in the country. I've decided today that there is no room for fear - since he is far away, I'm going to go on and live the life Iv'e dreamed for myself.

Avril Fleur said...

Glad to hear it. Yes, this life is too precious to be lived in fear. I've had a bout of it myself recently, with the murder of my friends granddaughter and frankly it's shaken me to the core. I'm trying to find the strength to overcome the fear and hatred I didn't know I was capable of feeling. It's not how I'm used to living. I guess I'm going through the classic stages of grief. This too shall pass.

Anna said...

Avril, no one should have to go through your kind of grief. And so many people have been touched by what happened. Tomorrow I have to drive right through the area where they're searching, and I'm dreading it!