Tuesday, November 10, 2009

it's a lethal mix

Anemia and depression.

They suck. Both of them. I feel like I can't fight either one of them effectively.

They are related, of course. When you can't get enough oxygen into your body, and you're trying to work and keep up with a six-year old, something's gotta give. It's like this thick fog that separates me from the rest of the world.

I think I've been mildly depressed for a long time. Maybe years. Things improved when I started the coming out process, but they've taken a big downward tumble since the end of summer. I don't know why. I've had moments when I've felt positive, euphoric, blessed, loved....and then there are weeks like this one...

-I've become so disconnected that I'm having trouble functioning at work. It's hard for me to play and relax, which is what I should be doing. I have a very understanding supervisor.....so I will make it through, but work is the last place where things like this show up for me.

-I feel isolated. I know that at this point I'm likely giving off "stay away" vibes right, left and center because I'm experiencing a lot of social anxiety. I don't want to blog. I haven't written anything in weeks. I should be writing, I need to write, but I don't want to read what will show up on the page.

-I have a lot of difficulty asking for help at the best of times. I try to be strong and I end up miserable because I just can't reach out. I figure people are tired of hearing it....depression has a way of making you think in circles that never end, and I can't find my way out of the negativity.

- I can't date. I can't be in a relationship with myself, let alone anyone else. I can't talk to people. I have a hard time opening up to my best friends. A physical anything? Take my clothes off? Are you freaking kidding me??I don't know what made me think that I was ready, but I am sooo not...

of course I'm not. But I'm lonely. Oh, the paradox.

I'm terrified. I'm a mess.

This really sucks. I hope it doesn't last much longer. I'm usually good at pulling myself out of the abyss, but this has already gone on way too long.

I still have readings that I promised for people. I will do them, but I'm going to have to wait until I've regained some sense of...something.

ETA - I'm throwing this in...because I love her, and because this song means so much to me. It made my cry when I first heard her play it, and it makes me cry now, because it reflects everything that's going on for me. There's nowhere to go but up!


~Just me again~ said...

I'm feeling very similar. I have trouble asking for help, I try to stay strong, to make everyone happy...it makes me miserable. Hang in there.

Ang said...

(((Hugs))) hang in there. That song was beautiful. I know in my heart you are going to rise up. :)

kimber p said...

awesome song by Kate..she's amazing. and so are you.
hang in there, get help, ask for help..be open to help.

:) take care of yourself :)

LilliGirl said...

I'm so sorry, hon. Take care of yourself, visit your doc and spend at least some time with friends. I havent had to deal with anemia but do know depression...Make yourself shower, go get your hair done, do what i takes to get better and ring if you need me. (((HUGS)))

Making Space said...

Oh dear. Sending lots of hugs and love and light. Strong blood vibes. Surrounding peace to you.

jelly said...

have you thought about talking to a therapist or someone about what you feeling right now?
i know for me, i'm going through peri-menopause, and i was having mild depression/mood swings and i needed a small dose anti-depressant to help me through it.
it has done wonders for me.

this is just a suggestion, i'm not implying you need medication or therapy of course!

hang in there friend.

SquirtyB said...

Sending hugs and positive vibes your way. Hang in there...

CJ said...

The first step is recognizing what's going on....so you're making progress!! Hang in there!

Laura Lee said...

it seems to be widespread when the season inevitably changes to the colder. we are experiencing (in the states) one of the weirdest times in our lives AND the sun now sets way too early... not only do we have SAD (Seasonally Affected Disorder) we have EAD (Economically Affected Disorder)- so don't be afraid of what comes out when you write, we all need to know each other is out there, and not choke our feelings back because they aren't nice!! wow this is long...sorry

Earth Muffin said...

Write, if it will help you. If you don't want to read it when you're finished, then don't. There's no law against that. Just getting it out of you head and onto a page could be very cathartic.

And don't be afraid to ask for help. I have a couple of friends who struggle with depression and they feel the same way...no one wants to hear them complain. That's just not true. There are people out there that care about you and what you're going through and they want to help you. Ask for it.

Feel better soon, Anna.

Jude said...

I know how the depression part feels. It had gotten so bad for me that I finally talked to my Dr about it and now, the meds have helped.

Hope you get out of your doldrums soon.

Anonymous said...

I know how depression goes, have had to deal with it myself. Open up to your friends, talk to someone. It does help. Sending good energy out to you, hope you feel better!

Camlin said...

Thanks everyone.

I'm feeling surrounded by love and support. It makes me feel a whole lot better.

I am going back to counselling, because aside from the depression, I need to deal with the anxieties I have around social situations and dating...they are real, and they are holding me back. I don't want to be blogging ten years from now and still be dateless in K-W. I'm waiting a few weeks until my extended health benefits kick in from work. In the meantime, I'm going to stay as positive as I can. The anemia is improving, and my mood is lifting a bit.

You are all amazing! Love, love, love!!!!!!!!!!!!!!