Monday, June 8, 2009

dilemma

What to do?

I have this adrenalin rush going - it's a fight or flight thing. Do I stand my ground, keep using this space that I've claimed for my very own, keep being myself, uncensored, writing what fills my brain, whatever comes to mind? Do I post here, in the open, keep up all my posts that are personal? Do I take down the writing that I've shared with the world - because really, when you blog, you are potentially exposing yourself to millions of pairs of eyes. Not everyone has good intentions. Do I obey the nervous fluttering in my stomach that tells me to retreat, or do I stand firm?

I have this urge to address him personally that I am trying to quell. It will just fuel whatever-it-is that keeps him obsessed. I have learned that the best thing to do is to disengage. Yesterday my ex was doing battle with our batshit crazy next-door neighbour. She's not allowed to speak to our kids, because she's, well, very unstable mentally. He allowed himself to get drawn into her web, by engaging in dialogue - an exchange that she profited from, even though it went something like this:

"You will not speak to my kids."

"Yes I will because I need to save them from going to hell."

Repeat ad nauseum, because she wasn't getting it and he wouldn't back down. I drove away from that scene, shaking my head because he knows, he knows that engaging with her is giving her something that she wants - attention, engagement, validation of some kind. And I can completely understand my ex's reaction, because I want to do the same thing.

I won't.

And I refuse to back away from this space that I've grown to love, the space that helped me to free myself when I started blogging a bit more than a year ago. He can read whatever he wants - they are just words, after all. And it's not like I haven't exposed myself before - accidentally outing myself to family members who found my blog...turned out okay. (By the way, if any of my numerous, extended family members are reading: the rumors are true. I am queer.) There's nothing he can do, there's nothing to hold over my head. Everyone who needs to know about my life and my sexuality already knows.

He doesn't know where I live.

He doesn't know where the kids live.

He doesn't know where I work.

My family will have nothing to do with him.

I've blocked his email address.

My comments are moderated already.

So what if he's reading? It's a free country. Hell, we have medicare and gay marriage up here - we really are free.

But what's really bothering my is my stat counter. You see, he was checking in from Vancouver yesterday. Today he seems to be checking in from Montreal. From a few thousand miles to a few hundred miles away from where I sit at this very moment.

You see, this is no online, disembodied being, although I am well aware that they can be equally frightening. This is someone who has this illusion, this idea, that there was once something between us.

My mistake. Pain, anger, hurt and sorrow - that's it. And who wants to bring that back? Perhaps in his mind we can be friendly, and have a chat about old times. But it won't happen.

There are no old times worth remembering. It was such a short period of time, if you look at my life in context of all the places I've been, and the things I've done. But it left me feeling a lot of guilt - because I brought someone in contact with my family and my daughter who had no business being part of our lives. It took me years to recover - and to forgive myself for choices that I made.

So, no. There will be no reminiscing. Or contact at all. Ever. Not ever. And there will be no retreat from here, where I blog, from my home, my kids, my family, my life. Because it's mine.

I will take the precautions that I need. I will keep myself safe.

But I will not back down. Check out my stance - arms folded, feet firmly planted. There is power in my body and power in my voice that I will not repress, will not give up, and will not suppress for anyone. Or anything.

12 comments:

Dawg said...

Stay strong.

Let him read, it will only effect him .. not you, and ultimately you will become stronger.

The blogging world is wonderful! Enjoy it and embrace it.

Camlin said...

Thanks, Dawg.

The words of encouragement are coming in handy right now.

Tina-cious.com said...

I never could understand people who stay where they are clearly not wanted.

Have they no self-respect?

I'm proud of you girl for standing strong.

Strong women are hot. :D

:::hugs::::

Dragon said...

Don't worry about this guy. Enjoy blogging, the freedom to speak out, to share your story. Have fun with it...no worries. :-)

SOLO said...

You've made the right decision. You cannot spend the rest of your life running, and perhaps he'll get tired of chasing.

You have friends and support here. Please don't forget that.

m.m.sugar said...

There is nothing more admirable than courage!

You go girl-we've got your back.

Avril Fleur said...

You said it best. Don't let fear rule your life. Caution is okay, but not fear. He has no power over you. There are a lot of people who care about you whose energy you can draw from. Feel our energy. Don't engage in that one inconsequential person's negative energy. You are a strong woman, and you are not alone.

Camlin said...

Tina, Dragon, Solo, Sugar, Avril:

Wow! I am so grateful for your support and encouragement. Thank you all - the journey I'm on has been so much easier and better because of all of you.

Thank you all so much!

LilliGirl said...

Camlin I am sure they all say you are welcome. We can not let fear rule our lives, no matter what they are. Be smart, be safe and keep on being strong. (hug)

greg said...

I hate that we are ever made to feel scared, it's not right. We have no choice but to keep on living our lives so you do what you are doing and stay strong.

Camlin said...

All of you rock!

I just wanted you to know that.

Old Crone said...

Don't run, stand strong and let him read. You have the power my friend!