dilemma

What to do?

I have this adrenalin rush going - it's a fight or flight thing. Do I stand my ground, keep using this space that I've claimed for my very own, keep being myself, uncensored, writing what fills my brain, whatever comes to mind? Do I post here, in the open, keep up all my posts that are personal? Do I take down the writing that I've shared with the world - because really, when you blog, you are potentially exposing yourself to millions of pairs of eyes. Not everyone has good intentions. Do I obey the nervous fluttering in my stomach that tells me to retreat, or do I stand firm?

I have this urge to address him personally that I am trying to quell. It will just fuel whatever-it-is that keeps him obsessed. I have learned that the best thing to do is to disengage. Yesterday my ex was doing battle with our batshit crazy next-door neighbour. She's not allowed to speak to our kids, because she's, well, very unstable mentally. He allowed himself to get drawn into her web, by engaging in dialogue - an exchange that she profited from, even though it went something like this:

"You will not speak to my kids."

"Yes I will because I need to save them from going to hell."

Repeat ad nauseum, because she wasn't getting it and he wouldn't back down. I drove away from that scene, shaking my head because he knows, he knows that engaging with her is giving her something that she wants - attention, engagement, validation of some kind. And I can completely understand my ex's reaction, because I want to do the same thing.

I won't.

And I refuse to back away from this space that I've grown to love, the space that helped me to free myself when I started blogging a bit more than a year ago. He can read whatever he wants - they are just words, after all. And it's not like I haven't exposed myself before - accidentally outing myself to family members who found my blog...turned out okay. (By the way, if any of my numerous, extended family members are reading: the rumors are true. I am queer.) There's nothing he can do, there's nothing to hold over my head. Everyone who needs to know about my life and my sexuality already knows.

He doesn't know where I live.

He doesn't know where the kids live.

He doesn't know where I work.

My family will have nothing to do with him.

I've blocked his email address.

My comments are moderated already.

So what if he's reading? It's a free country. Hell, we have medicare and gay marriage up here - we really are free.

But what's really bothering my is my stat counter. You see, he was checking in from Vancouver yesterday. Today he seems to be checking in from Montreal. From a few thousand miles to a few hundred miles away from where I sit at this very moment.

You see, this is no online, disembodied being, although I am well aware that they can be equally frightening. This is someone who has this illusion, this idea, that there was once something between us.

My mistake. Pain, anger, hurt and sorrow - that's it. And who wants to bring that back? Perhaps in his mind we can be friendly, and have a chat about old times. But it won't happen.

There are no old times worth remembering. It was such a short period of time, if you look at my life in context of all the places I've been, and the things I've done. But it left me feeling a lot of guilt - because I brought someone in contact with my family and my daughter who had no business being part of our lives. It took me years to recover - and to forgive myself for choices that I made.

So, no. There will be no reminiscing. Or contact at all. Ever. Not ever. And there will be no retreat from here, where I blog, from my home, my kids, my family, my life. Because it's mine.

I will take the precautions that I need. I will keep myself safe.

But I will not back down. Check out my stance - arms folded, feet firmly planted. There is power in my body and power in my voice that I will not repress, will not give up, and will not suppress for anyone. Or anything.