pondering

I want to write a post about the things that lie closest to my heart. I want to wax poetic on ethereal subjects like the budding trees, and the warmth, the longer days, my journeys into solitude and connection, the wanderings of my mind.

I am not at a loss for words. I am never at a loss for words. But my words are paper-weighted, they are all spent wrapped around a cause, a longing, and a hope for the future. I've spent my morning wandering the trails by the riverside, dog in tow, and now I have a few minutes to collect myself before I move on to work. And I can't settle, exactly, on what I want to say.

A story needs editing. I lost my Word files when the computer broke down and I have to start from scratch. A child needs to be nurtured, and I have precious few hours to spend with her. A city park needs to be saved, before the powers that be sell off forested land to developers. Believe me, you will here more about that later. And my heart is discovering something that I lost, or neglected many years ago. Too full for words, only suffice it to say that when you ask to be open, and you really mean it, the Universe will step in to make things happen.

Transformation can be abrupt, an unfolding, or a combination of slow and rapid change. Whenever I think I've reached the other side, I discover more about myself, I learn that work has been left unfinished, that there is more stretching and (un) comfortable growth to take place. Losing 130 pounds was a beginning, but not an end. Coming out was an integral part of my process, but my journey is far from complete.

I cannot be who I am and hide myself from those I love. I cannot embrace the causes that are dear to my heart and stay in the shadows. I can make a difference.

I will fight for what I believe in, tooth and nail, lay myself down in front of bulldozers if need be, carry the signs that proclaim my beliefs. I will love and be loved.

Beginning with myself. Embracing who I am, with all my glorious beauty and my forgivable faults.

I know who I am. I have always known.
My head is full of dreams, my heart is full...