between here and there

It just popped into my head. The title, I mean. I've been in transition for so long that sometimes I forget that there's a destination I'm trying to reach.

I'm feeling much better this week. I'm not completely over whatever I had, but at least my head has stopped pounding.  But it sucks that it,s Yule and I can't sing. My throat and lungs are conspiring to make me miserable.

I miss singing in a choir. I miss singing - I don't do as much of it as I should.

And while it's nice to have  all the autonomy one could wish for, some days living alone feels a bit isolating. And then some days, the solitude feels really good. Especially now, that winter has come to my part of the world. I take long walks down snow-covered streets with the dog. I curl up with a blanket and a good book. I write and write in my paper journal. Wishing, dreaming, hoping, but still unable to really define what it is I want. Some days I just want to leave and never come back. Some days I want everything to stay the same forever. Some days I want to disappear into the wind and be the snowflakes that rest softly on the solid earth.

I'm really lonely, and I'm trying to tell myself that this is a good thing, that it's where I'm supposed to be, that it will all work out in the end. The good part about being lonely at this time of year is that it's winter. Winter cold turns me inward, causes me to reflect and write, and long for things I can't explain. So I sit, and write, and wait, and work, and play with my kids, take the girls out for breakfast. And I know it will pass. I hope it will pass.

But what if it doesn't? What if the phone never rings again? What if the only meaningful conversations I ever have are between myself and my computer screen, or my notebook. I exaggerate a bit here - my friends, as I have said before, are awesome. The live in other cities. Weather and the busyness of this time of year keeps me from seeing them as often as I would like. But I also have this need for something more...more intense, more powerful than what I've experienced up to this point. It's big and undefinable. I think that if I could define it, I actually might find it.

It's funny to be in this kind of space jut before Christmas. Good thing I'm a Pagan - I've let go of a lot of the commercial, romantic stuff associated with Christmas, which allows me to focus on the change of the seasons, the inward turning, and the coming of light after a long night of darkness. I still celebrate with my family - but for me, the meaning comes in the dark of night, by the light of a single candle.

Stillness.  Peace. Love. Hope. These are my prayers for myself, and for the world.

ugh!

I'm sick.

Are you surprised? I work with kids. Dozens of small people every day. It was bound to happen.

I'm going to bed now. That is all.

about a girl

20 years ago today I held you in my arms for the first time.

I loved watching you grow.

You enjoy life to the fullest...

You can be silly

and serious.
You grew up surrounded by family who loved you.

You are talented - even when you were in Grade three, you knew how to command the stage.

There were a few trying years -when you began to learn about yourself, and figure things out. I really didn't like your hair when it was black ...I guess I can tell you that now.

Your sister has been one of the biggest joys of your life, and in return you are a gift to her. This has been a challenging year for you in a lot of ways -  it's not easy for an active person to suddenly become dependent on others for everything. But the accident helped you grow as a person, it gave you a sense of the importance of living fully. You are moving forward with a clear direction and defined goals.

Happy 20th birthday Megan.

(I'm the mother of a 20 year old. Really? Am I that old? Help!)

for Jude

In my heart, in my thoughts...sending healing energy across the continent...this is for you




Fuck you, cancer!

the matriarchy

She's always been a tiny woman. At 98, she seems even tinier, with her shoulders hunched, and her hands idle in her lap.

Those hands raised eight children, and shepherded seven of them across the Atlantic Ocean when the youngest was a baby and the oldest was eight years old. They milked cows and helped with the haying. Those hands could sew the straightest, most beautiful seams - wedding dresses, prom dresses, alterations for customers, dolls with embroidered faces.

She doesn't forget much. She is as aware as a person with dementia can be - sometimes she forgets names or faces, and she's a great one for making things up. In her reality, there is a polluted underwater river, full of chemicals from my sister-in-law's hair salon, running under the house. Well, go big or go home....but for 98, her powers of recall are still amazing, even when interspersed with the fantastic.

She raised her head and looked at me with her bright blue eyes. We were having tea in a nearby restaurant, having momentarily escaped the nursing home. I had already been thoroughly chastised for having been away for so long...but she wasn't finished.

"I am afraid to ask you this..." she says, but do you still have a husband?"

No, I tell her. But I'm okay.

She shakes her head. "Well, people have to do what's best for them I suppose."

I turned my head and muttered to my mother "It's a good thing she doesn't know the whole story." My grandmother is quite deaf...

"Oh, she knows," my mother said.

My eyes widen. "Really?"

My grandmother had been out visiting one of the aunts - and managed, in spite of her apparent deafness, to overhear a conversation that centered around my facebook status on National Coming Out Day. There were a lot of family members in the house at the time, all talking about me. I love being the center of attention, really I do, but I love it better when people talk to me instead of talking about me.

"Well," Oma says "Everyone has something. It's not what I would like, but people have to live their lives and be happy."

First of all - this is the first time that my mother has mentioned anything about my coming out - ever! And we were in public! And she wasn't even in a hurry to change the subject....

Second of all - if I'm out to my 98 year old grandmother, I really am out.

Let Yourself In

I don't know what it is about this November. Something's gone awry.

So many of us are going through tremendous changes, reliving old hurts, working our way through pain.

Last Wednesday, my friend Chris came to visit. She arrived on a Wednesday when I thought she was coming on Thursday(my mistake of course. I have zero organizational skills), which meant that I had nothing ready for her visit, but she was gracious, and wonderful. We talked and sang the evening away with a bottle of red wine. So much has happened for both of us in the year since we've seen each other - we've both struggledn, and both had moments of wonder and joy. She played me a song from her new CD that has resonated with me ever since. I can't get it out of my head. I play it constantly, because it speaks so directly to what's happening for me, right now.

It's a beautiful song, and I am privledged to know her.

So for all of you - Amy, Ames, Rocket, Lilli, Windy, Margo, Aneke, Ang...there are more, I'm sure, who are feeling the coolness of November and the sadness rush through your minds, this song is for you. I created a slide show with it that depicts some of the pivotal, beautiful moments in my summer - a summer that was both painful and joyful. They will stay with me always.



The chorus:

Let yourself in and welcome all your ghosts
Sit them down, pour a round
Offer up a toast
You were meant to live this life
The way that's best for you
And all the promise stored inside
Still waiting there for you

You can learn more about Chris's music here. If you like it, buy her CD and support this amazing independent musician.

Thanks so much for all you've brought me.

Destra Dog

Shane has a heart of gold.

And her beloved Destra needs help.

Click here. And please help, if you can.

Thanks, everyone.