between here and there

It just popped into my head. The title, I mean. I've been in transition for so long that sometimes I forget that there's a destination I'm trying to reach.

I'm feeling much better this week. I'm not completely over whatever I had, but at least my head has stopped pounding.  But it sucks that it,s Yule and I can't sing. My throat and lungs are conspiring to make me miserable.

I miss singing in a choir. I miss singing - I don't do as much of it as I should.

And while it's nice to have  all the autonomy one could wish for, some days living alone feels a bit isolating. And then some days, the solitude feels really good. Especially now, that winter has come to my part of the world. I take long walks down snow-covered streets with the dog. I curl up with a blanket and a good book. I write and write in my paper journal. Wishing, dreaming, hoping, but still unable to really define what it is I want. Some days I just want to leave and never come back. Some days I want everything to stay the same forever. Some days I want to disappear into the wind and be the snowflakes that rest softly on the solid earth.

I'm really lonely, and I'm trying to tell myself that this is a good thing, that it's where I'm supposed to be, that it will all work out in the end. The good part about being lonely at this time of year is that it's winter. Winter cold turns me inward, causes me to reflect and write, and long for things I can't explain. So I sit, and write, and wait, and work, and play with my kids, take the girls out for breakfast. And I know it will pass. I hope it will pass.

But what if it doesn't? What if the phone never rings again? What if the only meaningful conversations I ever have are between myself and my computer screen, or my notebook. I exaggerate a bit here - my friends, as I have said before, are awesome. The live in other cities. Weather and the busyness of this time of year keeps me from seeing them as often as I would like. But I also have this need for something more...more intense, more powerful than what I've experienced up to this point. It's big and undefinable. I think that if I could define it, I actually might find it.

It's funny to be in this kind of space jut before Christmas. Good thing I'm a Pagan - I've let go of a lot of the commercial, romantic stuff associated with Christmas, which allows me to focus on the change of the seasons, the inward turning, and the coming of light after a long night of darkness. I still celebrate with my family - but for me, the meaning comes in the dark of night, by the light of a single candle.

Stillness.  Peace. Love. Hope. These are my prayers for myself, and for the world.