Thursday, December 10, 2009

between here and there

It just popped into my head. The title, I mean. I've been in transition for so long that sometimes I forget that there's a destination I'm trying to reach.

I'm feeling much better this week. I'm not completely over whatever I had, but at least my head has stopped pounding.  But it sucks that it,s Yule and I can't sing. My throat and lungs are conspiring to make me miserable.

I miss singing in a choir. I miss singing - I don't do as much of it as I should.

And while it's nice to have  all the autonomy one could wish for, some days living alone feels a bit isolating. And then some days, the solitude feels really good. Especially now, that winter has come to my part of the world. I take long walks down snow-covered streets with the dog. I curl up with a blanket and a good book. I write and write in my paper journal. Wishing, dreaming, hoping, but still unable to really define what it is I want. Some days I just want to leave and never come back. Some days I want everything to stay the same forever. Some days I want to disappear into the wind and be the snowflakes that rest softly on the solid earth.

I'm really lonely, and I'm trying to tell myself that this is a good thing, that it's where I'm supposed to be, that it will all work out in the end. The good part about being lonely at this time of year is that it's winter. Winter cold turns me inward, causes me to reflect and write, and long for things I can't explain. So I sit, and write, and wait, and work, and play with my kids, take the girls out for breakfast. And I know it will pass. I hope it will pass.

But what if it doesn't? What if the phone never rings again? What if the only meaningful conversations I ever have are between myself and my computer screen, or my notebook. I exaggerate a bit here - my friends, as I have said before, are awesome. The live in other cities. Weather and the busyness of this time of year keeps me from seeing them as often as I would like. But I also have this need for something more...more intense, more powerful than what I've experienced up to this point. It's big and undefinable. I think that if I could define it, I actually might find it.

It's funny to be in this kind of space jut before Christmas. Good thing I'm a Pagan - I've let go of a lot of the commercial, romantic stuff associated with Christmas, which allows me to focus on the change of the seasons, the inward turning, and the coming of light after a long night of darkness. I still celebrate with my family - but for me, the meaning comes in the dark of night, by the light of a single candle.

Stillness.  Peace. Love. Hope. These are my prayers for myself, and for the world.


15 comments:

Making Space said...

Oh sweetie. There is so much love for you. Hugs. Hey - have you read Aneke's latest post about her beautiful boy? Go check it out - I don't know why but it totally fits with what you're posting...

Ang said...

I totally understand where you are coming from with being lonely...I keep trying to push through the hurt of it all. I am growing tired and weary with it. :( Maybe if we just hang in there.

Camlin said...

I'm trying, Ang. I'm trying. I think that I'm trying too hard.

MS - thanks. I know there is, but there are days and seasons when the hope of more isn't quite enough. This will pass - maybe even tomorrow! (and at this point, Camlin makes good use of her time as a stage mom and breaks into some well-known lyrics from Annie....)

Making Space said...

Bwaaaaahhhh on the ongoing loneliness! Cheering for your rendition of Annie, LOL! And more hugs.

Camlin said...

I'll take all the hugs I can get. I'm a hedonist! :)

aneke said...

No great words of wisdom to impart here. Other than to say I get it. I do. Its hard.

kimber p said...

what a lovely, bittersweet post :) I wish I could give you a squeeze ...

LilliGirl said...

(((Hugs))) I've been there and I found that once I made peace with it it wasn't so bad anymore. THen beofre I knew it I wasn't lonely anymore. :)

CJ said...

No more "what if's"....get out there and make them "now that's"...

Margo Moon said...

Wish we could sit down together with a couple of drinks. Don't think I couldn't make you laugh your butt off.

Big hug.

Murray said...

'The longest journey of any person is the journey inward.'

-- Dag Hammerskjvld

I think this quote may reflect what you are going through. Do you? Just remember, though, that as long as you blog, you are not on the journey alone.

Camlin said...

Margo - I think a good laugh is just what I need!

Murray - my journey inward seems to be going on forever, so I can relate to the quote....

CJ - well, I got my hair done. That's a start, right?

Lilli - For a while, I think I've accepted it, and then I get a night that is too big and lonely....

kimber - virtual squeezes gladly accepted!

anneke - thanks!

jelly said...

it would be nice to sit and have coffee or tea and chat with some of the fine ladies i've met through blogging.

i get the lonliness, i've been there. it is hard.

keep on keeping on!!

Mama Llama said...

I have missed singing as well. I am singing more this year; so nice to have found my voice once again. My children need to hear their mother's JOY!
Be well.

Maria said...

I think that loneliness is very useful. The trouble is that it is very hard to learn from it as you are experiencing it. The lessons come after, not during...