amy understands

she finds the words written in my heart and sets them to music

untitled

Solitude's hair-shirt sacrifice
longs
for finger-light touch of downy feathers,
aware of ripping talons and a frigid eye.
Wind swirls upwards,
leaves float gently, sidewalk-bound.
I am careful not to shake
the dirt from my boots
as I move my grounded body
from place to place.
Legs crossed, seated,
hands meet from
fingertip to bony fingertip.

Wait
for time's hands to pull the quilt back,
ease into this warmth of skin
like rolling in black mud,
surrounded
by bread dough comfort.
Kneaded soul,
transformed pliable soft and solid,
rock under shifting quicksand.

Wait.
Cover my body with
the spirals of my heart.
Gather myself into my own strong arms.
Light the fire
Pour the glass brimful
with ruby warmth.
Settle into comfort,
taste passion,
await your arrival.

I know you'll be late.

Slowly

Slowly, ever so slowly, I begin to see the light that remains, that will come into my life.

My fear wants to keep me safe and comfortable, and in the same place as I've always been. I made the choice to come out, and move on because I want more than I have. I want passion, I want the kind of love that others have and I have never experienced. I deserve it as much as anyone else, I am capable (now, anyways) of giving and receiving that kind of love. I don't if, or when I will find it, but to stay in place because I'm scared - well, that's not living.

One year ago, almost to the day, I made the choice to live. I had the surgery that saved me from a slow death of numbness and obesity. Things have changed for me so much since that time - and so rapidly, that I still haven't caught my breath, looked at the last year, and reflected on all of those changes. I must do that, because I need to remind myself of how far I have come, how I have grown. I know I can do this.

At least I know most of the time. Some days are better than others. I will not only get thtough this, I will live the life that I have always imagined for myself.

This weekend, I'll post before and after surgery photos. 115 pounds lost, as of today. A whole person gone. And what's left is the me I've always been, the person I never really knew until now.

if i had known

it would be this hard, that I would be this lonely, that I would feel as isolated as I do right now, as I have for the last two weeks, I think I might have stayed closeted forever. Somebody please tell me that it gets better, because life kinda sucks right now.

I've not really lost my daughter, but I don't get to be with her as much...thanks to the "schedule." I miss her.

And there's nothing else for me to fill the time with.

So here I am. Right where I thought I wanted to be, and all I can think about doing is running away.

I'm out

No, seriously, I am out.

Tonight I drove to my hometown, about an hour away from here, and told my parents that I'm gay.

This is so huge.

I won't be anonymous anymore. Not that I really am,anyways. I'm just delusional.

But tomorrow, I'm going to post a picture - of myself.

Grief

It's a funny thing. It strikes when I least expect it.

It's very difficult to grieve someone who's still present. It can turn into something twisted and unpleasant for more than one person.

I am sad. I am angry. I am picking up the pieces of my life and starting over. Sometimes I don't know where to begin, or where the strength will come from to take me through this transition.

He found a place to live within two blocks of here. We can afford it. E can see him every day. When I start working again, he can take her to school/pick her up as needed. I know that he will remain an involved father.

I am feeling isolated and alone in my own home. I hope that changes.

a must-see

My friend Kate Reid is embarking on a cross-country tour.

She's a folk singer-songwriter from Vancouver.

She travels with Sarah MacDougall and Joanna Chapman-Smith. They call themselves "Women in the Round."

I've never heard the other singers, but Kate is amazing. And a wonderful person, too.

So, if you live in or near Alberta (Lethbridge, Calgary or Edmonton), Winnipeg, Toronto, Southwestern Ontario - and other places I've forgotten, go see her. She'll be in Waterloo, too. I'll be there for sure.

I'm so excited. I can't wait to see her again.