Monday, October 13, 2008

It's THAT time of year in K-W - the bad, the good, and the honest

Okay, biggest Bavarian festival outside of Germany, and it literally takes place outside my door. What 's not to like? Music and food I grew up with. People are happy and laughing and waltzing around with their little green hats with feathers. Celebrate! Ein Prosit!

I live across the road from one of the four German clubs in the city. This past weekend and next I get to witness the results of Oktoberfest overindulgence. People stumbling around and shouting, and pissing on my front lawn at all hours of the morning. Beer. Music. More beer. Some bratwurst. More beer. Roll out he barrel. More beer. Walter Ostanek. More beer.

Today E and I watched the Oktoberfest parade, which takes place, again, right outside our house. She watches while covering her ears because the music is just too loud. She eats her freshly baked pretzel (which used to be one of my highlights, until surgery) and then we wander home. I like parades. Especially this one, because the music I hear is the music of my childhood, and I remember, fondly, being whirled around at family weddings, too small to dance on my feet, to the polkas that are blared from loudspeakers as the floats pass by.

I get it. We all need something to celebrate. Why not?

But when my former partner, who has displayed nothing but disdain for such displays of nationalism in the past, announces that he will be attending such festival with his new girl, well that sticks in my craw.He rationalizes that because she's German, he gets to see the cultural aspect from the viewpoint of an insider.

Jealous much? Uh, no. I don't want him, she can have him....(oblique polka reference, in keeping with the weekend).

He sees nothing amiss with his participation, which is fine. But, he has previously expressed that he has problems with me involving myself or our child in Pride activities in any way. Or making jokes, self-depreciating or not, which reflect my sexuality. Or listening to music which favours any kind of sexual identification. Cause there's no such thing as heterosexual pride, right?

What is Oktoberfest? German Pride. If he chooses to participate in that kind of activity, but questions my judgment when I express an interest in doing something similar, I call that....


And bigotry.

This is also thanksgiving weekend, in Canada. Yesterday I hosted family thanksgiving for the first time...ever. Cooked a turkey, and a kick-ass roast beef. Served and cleaned up after 21 people and had an awesome time. Everyone came, even my new niece, only five days old.

Did I mention that I have a new niece? She's absolutely adorable. And so tiny. And so perfect in every way, as all small babies are.

There I was surrounded by family, and in my element - at home, cooking up a storm, visiting with my siblings and nieces and nephews. And for a while I was just - me. It was great. Comfortable in my own skin, doing the things I like to do. The ex stuck around for a while to visit with my family which was also nice. I'm glad he was able to do that, it's comforting to me that he understands that he hasn't really lost a family, because my family will always consider him family. he's E's dad, and that's what matters.

And they will apply the same non-judgemental attitude when I am fully out. My parents know. My brothers will know before Christmas. As for extended family, their knowledge and their reactions matter less to me...

When N left I didn't miss him. And I didn't care where he went.

What I care about is being alone. And what I worry about is getting to the point where I can be comfortable with someone else again, not plagued by insecurities. They are myriad and unfathomable. The way I look - used to be too big, now too angular and elongated. The way I can't connect to people right away. The fears I have about being close to someone else and being hurt again - having to watch them pull away when I'm just not ready. I have mentioned - perhaps - that I feel like a virgin all over again and my lack of experience in that quarter is another basis for more irrational insecurity.

And I'm least I am today. But I had a job interview on Saturday for an assistant supervisor in a small child care centre, and it went very well. They can pay me what I'd like to be paid. I"ve done that kind of wrok before, it's with toddlers, and I love toddlers, so it's a good fit for me. E can come to work with me on her non-school days. So I will likely be ables to strike unemployment off my list of worries. Knowing myself as I do, there will be another worry to add to the list.

I could go on, but I'm sure you get the picture by now. If I sit here and think too hard, it just gets worse. Better to do something, like clean out the toy room in anticipation of eldest daughter's imminent return. Listen to good music, sip that Tim's coffee. Play my guitar for a little while. Sing. Write a bit. Better to focus on what's positive in my life, than what's absolutely wrong. And it's not all that wrong - working through the insecurities is a normal and natural process. There is another end to the tunnel, and I'll see my way out some day.

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