Thursday, September 18, 2008

even more clarity

Maria, you are right.

I can't put up with it any more. There's a lot going on here, so much that it's hard for me to begin expressing it in writing. When I can sort through my heart more clearly, I'll add to this post.

But the bottom line is that if he's going to act in a way that damages me and makes me uncomfortable in my own space, then we should not be living together. He's indicated that for the most part his behaviour will not change (although the endless phone calls are hopefully a thing of the past - when I pointed out that he was dominating what should be a shared resource, he didn't get it, until the second or third time I made the point, and then he conceded).

So, there you have it. He's going to find a room nearby, close enough that we can share the car and E can walk to his place. I'm going to stay in the house, find a part-time job, and hopefully take in a housemate, or ask my daughter to consider moving home when her lease is up. I have not one, but two extra rooms, because when he goes, the office goes too.

I know that we ended our physical relationship a while ago. But I'm still emotionally attached to him, and I can't live with him if he's going lavish more attention on someone else than he's given me in years. I am still in the grieving process, and I'm coming to recognize that he and I have always held different definitions of love. To me, it's infinite, and I still love him, although in a very different way than I did before. Whereas, in his mind, we stopped loving each other when we stopped being a couple.

Why does this hurt so much?


Avril Fleur said...

It sounds like that's the best compromise for the time being. I think that making the physical break more defined will make things easier for all of you. It will be hard for E, but kids are adaptable and I know you will work hard to make the transition as easy for her as possible. At any rate, it's got to feel a bit better just to have a decision made and start moving forward.

an ambrosia life said...

oh honey it's in our make-up...I'm the doesn't just go away....I don't understand how one just decides love ends now. I wish I came with that switch.

perhaps wonderfulness is around the corner....

Earth Muffin said...

I'm sorry you're hurting right now, but once you come out of the grieving I think you'll see that this is a move in the right direction. Hugs to you!

Maria said...

I was wondering when you were going to admit that some of that anger you were feeling was actually pain from the loss.

It hurts because it is was real and now it is gone.

Once he leaves and you stop feeling the force of his imprint, it will get easier.