Monday, August 11, 2008

easy out

So I came out again last night.

It seems that I will be doing this a lot in the next few months. This one was easy. I came out to my coven. Three (out of four) of my coven sisters are gay, and were as sympathetic, understanding, and loving as you could imagine.

I really needed that.

Even though I was with a small group of people that I trust completely, it was still hard. I started babbling at one point, and ended up talking in circles a little bit. But it happened, and it was really heartening. I can do this! I can do this!

Of course, coming out to my parents will be a totally different experience.

We shared a beautiful ritual, and then I played my guitar for them, for the first time ever.

Last night N and I had a serious, and hilarious heart-to-heart. Emotionally, I have been preparing for these changes for a few months now. He hasn't had the same amount of time to absorb things, and he is, naturally, grieving. Except, when I grieve, I react a lot differently than he is. I tend to cry a lot, and write, and seek a lot of time to myself, which is the story of my summer. He wants answers. He wants to understand. He doesn't react with the same emotional force, although I know he's hurting. It's the reserve he's always had, the reserve that began to divide us long ago.

He needs to analyze everything. So he starts asking me, again, about the first time I had feelings for a woman. And the next time, and the next and then he tells me that he can't figure out why I just didn't tell him in the first place. Well, I was in denial, and all of the social conditioning, and the risk of losing my family, yadda, yadda. So he's okay with all that. But he really feels like he needs to start moving on, meeting new people, perhaps dating again.

I want you to be happy, I tell him. I want you to meet new people and start dating. Let's do what we can to make it happen. He thanks me, because he feels that he needs to start moving ahead and building a life for himself.

Listen, I can't even begin to think about dating yet. WTF? I need some time, please. But apparently, he needs to move on. Which is fine with me, as I have no emotional investment, no jealousy, nothing. As long as our daughter is in no way involved, I'm happy to have him do whatever he wants.

This conversation is taking place at 1:00 in the morning, while we are both lying in bed, being very careful not to touch each other, as we have not yet changed the sleeping arrangements.


On Wednesday morning I'm leaving for a five day writer's workshop in Michigan. I am so excited!!! I have been looking forward to this all summer. Through all the chaos that has become my life, I have never been so creatively charged as I am now. I think that good things will arise from my experiences there - I already know that I'm about to meet some fantastic people.


Earth Muffin said...

How wonderful that you are so supported, by both your coven and your former partner. I hope you enjoy your writer's retreat!

Maria said...

Come back and tell us all about your artist's retreat. I have always wondered what one was like...

Mon said...

This is so wonderful. This gives me hope that I will get there as well. Have a blast at your workshop and please tell us all about it.