Monday, August 25, 2008

dream intepretation, anyone?

It's 6:00 am. I'm writing this instead of doing my usual morning pages in my notebook. my head is still full of this dream, long and vivid, and I must write it down.

I dreamed that I was going camping. I was alone, I had all the equipment I needed and a commercial sponsor. My sponsor was the father of a former boss of mine named David. Suffice it to say that David is a rather shady character, and I should never have trusted him in the first place.David's father runs a sporting goods store, and he has offered to pay all my expenses. David explains this as we are standing in the store, a store that looks more like dingy warehouse with shelves that are stacked with goods and that reach the ceiling.

So I leave and go to my campsite, which is one of the worst campsites I have ever seen. Had this not been a dream, I would have gone back and asked for another one. I am camped in a dry riverbed, with banks that are about seven or eight feet tall. The spot was chosen for me by David's dad, who may also own the campsite, not sure there. The ground beneath my feet is wet and spongy. My tent is set up at right angles to the campsite entrance, around a corner, away from the riverbank. There are woods nearby as well, I can recall seeing the trees and thinking that as long as there are trees here, I will be okay. I'm wearing these great boots, courtesy of David's dad. I have my recepits in my pocket and I'm going to take them with me to get my money back. I don't want to lose them because I know this guy won't take my word for it.

In my dream, the sky is cloudy and grey. I know it's going to rain, but I decide to make the best of it and light a campfire. Aside from the boots, I'm using all my own equipment. I have a tent, and my new guitar (which IRL is sitting at Long and McQuade waiting for me to take it out of layaway) and a backpack full of clothes. I have my car as well, but is parked far away from me, on top of the riverbank. I have my ground seat to sit on, and the ground is a bit spongy, but I make do, and sit with the fire for a few minutes. It starts to rain, harder and then harder still. Before long I am up to my knees in water, water is rushing through the stream bed in a torrent and I realize that there's going to be a flood and I have to leave. I try to get to my tent and retrieve my backpack, but it's being borne away by the current. I don't think I even have my car keys.

There are trees on one side of me, and the embankment on the other. In order to leave, I have to climb the embankment to get to the main road. I stand at the foot of the embankment and strategize - how will I do this? I can only climb, trust my boots, and hold on. The ground beneath my feet is getting softer and softer, like the mudflats on Ferron's river, and it is hard for me to lift my feet, but my boots hold, and I am somehow dry beneath my clothing. I look up and see, with horror, that a giant wave is about to breach the embankment and wash over my head. I brace myself, and I am soaked through, covered in mud, but still standing after the wave rushes through and past me. I climb the embankment, pulling one leg after another because they are sticking in the mud, fighting the current as I move against it.

I make it out, and make my way down the road towards the sporting goods store. I am livid, that the store owner has put lives at risk by allowing people to camp in a dangerous area. In my mind, he is responsible for replacing what I lost, for compensating me for the horrors I have been through. I go into the store, which seems to be located in some kind of mall, because there are windows that look out into a hallway. I stand and look through a window. My brother (not the one who was hurt) is there, and we are looking out the window as I tell him my story. He is shaking his head and saying "I don't know. Good luck getting any money out of this guy," when a kid, a very tall teenager, comes along and stands at the window between the two of us. he is deliberately blocking us from communicating, and I'm angry to begin with, but now I am angrier. I ask him to move, and he refuses, so I nudge him aside, and he goes away.

I am tired of waiting, and I ask a store employee to take me to David's father. He says "One minute ma'am and I'll go get him," and he disappears. I am waiting in the aisles, with my mud-stained sweatshirt, khaki pants and kick-ass boots, and I'm dripping wet, getting all the equipment on display wet as I wait. the customers who are in the store make a wide arc around me because I am quite a sight to behold, woman in all her beauty. After a long wait, David appears, with his hands out placatingly. He means to put me off, I can tell by his body language. I stand my ground. I tell him I am not leaving until I speak to his father, and if he wants to call the cops and have me dragged out of the store I will stand here and tell every customer that I lost everything, and almost lost my life, on his dad's campground and I want the compensation that I'm owed right now. Imagine the previous sentence liberally laced with expletives because anna is not a happy camper at this point, she's a rather pissed off and powerful woman who is not afraid to use her voice. I imagine sitting on the floor when asked to leave, I imagine the nonviolent resistance stance, where the protesters are carried out because they refuse to move, and I plant my feet firmly on the earth, prepared to sit if necessary. For crying out loud, I've asked to meet with this guy and it's not a lot, considering what I've just been through. Why don't they just let me in to talk to him and pay me - that might keep me quiet. But they refuse to meet with me, and I stand in the store and shout my story to every customer within earshot. Many are leaving and I am proud of my ability to sway opinions.

David comes back and asks me if I mind waiting elsewhere. he has a much more comfortable spot for me, he says, but I refuse to go. I will not be ushered out, I tell him, because all I want is to speak to his father, and that's not a lot to ask for. But suddenly (as dreams go, I am transported) I find myself in a day care waiting area, with child's furniture and its very quiet. There is an office nearby, not sure if it's David's dad or not who is in there. (the David in my dream is the former owner of a day care that I once supervised, the worst job I ever had. He and his business partner were badly inexperienced and thought they could make a profit in child care, and when they realized they were about to lose their shirts in their business venture, they started cutting corners and cheating the staff out of wage subsidies provided by the local municipality. I didn't stick around for that - I was out of there before my three month probation was up).

I wait in this quiet area, and because I have nothing to do, I start looking at a catalogue. It's some kind of fundraising thing, I think, but there are weird products in there. There's a bench with a plastic seat, and you can record subliminal messages that are played under the muzak. People sitting on the benches have no choice but to listen. I realize that I am sitting on just such a bench, and I have somehow been lulled into inaction. I stand up and walk into David's father's office, where he is sitting alone. I am going to confront him and get what I am owed.

And just at the moment when I am about to reclaim my full power, I wake up.


Maria said...

My god, you have impeccable recollection.

I dunno...too much going on here that obviously relates to your inner life. The camping thing probably means some sort of recreation, an attempt at relaxation that was misguided because you trusted the wrong people?

Water is almost always your emotions, so the water that engulfed you was of your own making. And you managed to get through it, but saw it as someone else's doing, not yours. I thought that was interesting.

Getting back your supplies and feeling like you probably won't? Sort of like getting back what you have invested in your current life.

And I thought it was interesting that someone tried to block you from communicating with your brother, but you managed to get around him...

Ditto that you realized that you were being used for subliminal mind bending on that bench...

Very interesting....

Camlin said...

I've had a few hours to think about it now. I think a lot of the dream has to do with feeing overwhelmed - with things both in and beyond my control. I've gone back to my old job for two weeks, and I feel like I'm in some kind of holding pattern, that I've given my power away and I need to reclaim it. I'm the strong woman with the kick-ass boots, not the brainwashed flake on the bench. I need to remember that and keep moving forward with my life.
Maria, you're right about the emotions - since coming home from Michigan I've felt overwhelmed, sad and lonely. Because of my own fears of failure and inadequacy.

When I have something important to learn from a dream, my recall is very vivid, indeed.