This is my favourite time of year. I love the changes that autumn brings, the colours, the wind, the leaves that scatter across my path as I walk. I used to love this time of year because it was finally cool enough for me to tolerate the outdoors, but I must confess that this year I am a teency bit cold. Less insulation.
I pretty much missed out on autumn last year. For the early fall, I was housebound with my bad back, then I had surgery, and by the time I was really feeling better, autumn was over, winter had swept in and whitened the ground around me. I'm making up for it this year, with long walks in the cemetery near my house, long walks anywhere, I can't get enough of the outdoors, and I revel in the exercise that used to put me out of breath after a few short minutes of trying.
When I look back, I have a hard time believing that so many things have changed. Or rather, that I have made so many changes in my life. I'm starting to get more comfortable with the person I see in the mirror each morning, but more than that, I am acknowledging and honouring the person within, the person who is strong, and capable, and independent, who made all these changes because she wanted something more - and better - than what she had.
Materially, I was dandy. That's about it. Except for my kids, just about everything else rang hollow. I was a wannabe writer who never picked up a pen. I stayed in a sterile relationship because I was afraid. I could not acknowlege, to myself or anyone else, that I was queer. I lived someone else's life - because I was afraid. Afraid of my true nature, the unknown, the depth within that I had never explored, in 42 years of living.
That's not to say that fear doesn't still overtake me at times. I had about a month of uncertainty, of instability, because I wanted to be safe, I wanted what was familiar and stable in my life to keep going. I, the agent of change, wanted to reverse everything, because not moving forward is just so much - easier. In the short term. Ten years from now, I may look back and think that my problems were trivial. It's more likely that I'll see all the pivotal moments, and marvel at my own fortitude all over again.
I am strong and capable. I have never felt this strong, this capable. And for the last week or so, I have had inner calm and peace - a sense of knowing that what I'm doing is right. A knowing - I can be alone, but I need not, if I choose. Right now I choose, because I need time to myself, time to give me the things that I denied myself for years. I'm watching someone else choose differently, and that may be right for him, but I need space. Space to grieve, if I need to (but honestly, I don't feel grief-stricken at all. I think I'm past that).
And who's alone, really? My friends have all crawled out of the woodwork. I'm actually seeking them out, not jsut for support, but because I like them and I want to be around them. And I have the latitude to choose how and where I spend my free time. Nobody brooding in the basement and waiting for my ritual to be over, for people to leave so that he can load the dishwasher and sweep the crumbs. My family haven't really visited since we moved here, and yet all of them came for Thanksgiving, and we had a blast. I'm not alone at all.
In three days he'll be moving out. And I couldn't be happier about it. Now that I have work, I feel like the final piece of the puzzle is together. I don't think life will be much less stressful - after all, the daughter is coming home, and her boyfriend, and the cats. I don't think that life will be suddenly rosy and bright - there will be new stresses, and different things. But I know that I have what it takes to get through this time of great change, this season's pull into darkness and contemplation. And whatever is next for me, good or bad, I'm ready.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
about that universe thing
I got a job.
The job I wanted.
A job that pays more than I've ever made (although that's not saying much).
A job that is a 25 minute commute through quiet country roads instead of between two busy cities. (Ask me how much I love my quiet commute in February).
A job where I can bring my child to work with me.
A job in a non-profit centre, that's still growing.
A job where I can walk down country roads on my lunch break.
A job that allows me to keep this roof over my head, food on the table and financial independence for the first time in my life.
A job that means a lot to me, but not as much as my family, my kids, and my writing. I'll still have lots of time for the important things.
The job I wanted.
A job that pays more than I've ever made (although that's not saying much).
A job that is a 25 minute commute through quiet country roads instead of between two busy cities. (Ask me how much I love my quiet commute in February).
A job where I can bring my child to work with me.
A job in a non-profit centre, that's still growing.
A job where I can walk down country roads on my lunch break.
A job that allows me to keep this roof over my head, food on the table and financial independence for the first time in my life.
A job that means a lot to me, but not as much as my family, my kids, and my writing. I'll still have lots of time for the important things.
okay, I'll give it a whirl
I was tagged, twice. So OC, and MLC, here you go....
Link to your tagger and list these rules on your blog.
* Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog - some random, some weird.
* Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blog.
* Let them know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog
Seven facts....hmmm
1. Since the early summer, almost every time I remember a dream, there's a dog in it, somewhere. Usually the dog is close to me, standing around, or baring their teeth at someone who approaches me. Sometimes the dog in my dream is my own, and sometimes I meet a similar dog after dreaming about them. And while I love dogs, I wouldn't have described myself as a dog person until this summer. And the dogs love me - they seek me out, wag their tails, jump on my lap - and it's not just my imagination either. I've been thinking about getting another dog - but we'll wait and see what happens after the daughter returns home next week with her two cats.
2. I had gastric bypass surgery in October of 2007. Since then, I've lost 120 pounds. I've gone from a size 26 to a size 14. Sometimes I'm afraid that I won't stop losing after I reach my goal (170 - 10 pounds to go, I'm 5'8" and big boned). But often I forget that I don't weigh 300 pounds any more. I walk everywhere at night and never worry about whether or not I'm safe, because nobody in their right mind would tackle a 300 pound woman, right? And I think of myself as I used to - unsightly, heavy, unattractive. It's a dichotomy - I'm only comfortable in my own skin when I remember what I really look like.
3. I have social anxieties. Sometimes I am uncomfortable going places by myself(like to bars, not the mall, or grocery shopping etc), because I am afraid that there will be no one to talk to, and that I'll end up by myself all night long. Last Sunday my friend Kate was in town, performing at a local club, and I almost didn't go, because I didn't want to go alone. I had to give myself a good talking to, and in the end I went because I wanted to support her, and I knew she would be disappointed if I didn't go. And she lives in Vancouver, so I won't see her again for months. And guess what - I had a great time. I met a woman at the bar who was there to see one of the other performers, had a great conversation with her, and ended up sitting with Kate's partner and her family. Boy, do I feel stupid for being so anxious over nothing.
4. I have this weird obsession with this person:
and I have my knickers in a knot because she's playing in Toronto on November 4th. I am so going to be there.
And really, I am a friend of a friend of hers. Really.
My friends have been teasing me a lot about this, lately. That's what happens when you've come out, and then decided that you need to be on your own for a good - oh, eight or so months. You start fantasizing.
5. I have to eat the things on my plate that I like the least first, so that I can savour the things I like the best.
6. I really, really like women. Seriously.
7. My ex is moving out on Saturday, and I am so ready for him to go. I'll miss him, I still care about him, but it's time for me to lead my own life.
I'm breaking the rules about tagging. I think that everyone I know has already done it.
Link to your tagger and list these rules on your blog.
* Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog - some random, some weird.
* Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blog.
* Let them know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog
Seven facts....hmmm
1. Since the early summer, almost every time I remember a dream, there's a dog in it, somewhere. Usually the dog is close to me, standing around, or baring their teeth at someone who approaches me. Sometimes the dog in my dream is my own, and sometimes I meet a similar dog after dreaming about them. And while I love dogs, I wouldn't have described myself as a dog person until this summer. And the dogs love me - they seek me out, wag their tails, jump on my lap - and it's not just my imagination either. I've been thinking about getting another dog - but we'll wait and see what happens after the daughter returns home next week with her two cats.
2. I had gastric bypass surgery in October of 2007. Since then, I've lost 120 pounds. I've gone from a size 26 to a size 14. Sometimes I'm afraid that I won't stop losing after I reach my goal (170 - 10 pounds to go, I'm 5'8" and big boned). But often I forget that I don't weigh 300 pounds any more. I walk everywhere at night and never worry about whether or not I'm safe, because nobody in their right mind would tackle a 300 pound woman, right? And I think of myself as I used to - unsightly, heavy, unattractive. It's a dichotomy - I'm only comfortable in my own skin when I remember what I really look like.
3. I have social anxieties. Sometimes I am uncomfortable going places by myself(like to bars, not the mall, or grocery shopping etc), because I am afraid that there will be no one to talk to, and that I'll end up by myself all night long. Last Sunday my friend Kate was in town, performing at a local club, and I almost didn't go, because I didn't want to go alone. I had to give myself a good talking to, and in the end I went because I wanted to support her, and I knew she would be disappointed if I didn't go. And she lives in Vancouver, so I won't see her again for months. And guess what - I had a great time. I met a woman at the bar who was there to see one of the other performers, had a great conversation with her, and ended up sitting with Kate's partner and her family. Boy, do I feel stupid for being so anxious over nothing.
4. I have this weird obsession with this person:
and I have my knickers in a knot because she's playing in Toronto on November 4th. I am so going to be there.
And really, I am a friend of a friend of hers. Really.
My friends have been teasing me a lot about this, lately. That's what happens when you've come out, and then decided that you need to be on your own for a good - oh, eight or so months. You start fantasizing.
5. I have to eat the things on my plate that I like the least first, so that I can savour the things I like the best.
6. I really, really like women. Seriously.
7. My ex is moving out on Saturday, and I am so ready for him to go. I'll miss him, I still care about him, but it's time for me to lead my own life.
I'm breaking the rules about tagging. I think that everyone I know has already done it.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
the universe
...will provide. The universe really wants me to have a job. I have not one, but two interviews tomorrow. The first is with my local credit union - but the pay is awfully low and anything to do with financial services is a bit shaky right now. The second is at a child care in a small town nearby. new centre, and probably lots of opportunities.
And my interview on Saturday for the assistant supervisor position went really, really well. They gave me a tour of the centre on Tuesday and I met the kids and staff I would potentially be working with. Generally, that doesn't happen unless you're being seriously considered for the job. I'm waiting to hear back from them, but I'm also keeping all my options open at this point.
Something will come of this.
Wish me luck.
And my interview on Saturday for the assistant supervisor position went really, really well. They gave me a tour of the centre on Tuesday and I met the kids and staff I would potentially be working with. Generally, that doesn't happen unless you're being seriously considered for the job. I'm waiting to hear back from them, but I'm also keeping all my options open at this point.
Something will come of this.
Wish me luck.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
two five-year-olds discuss politics
My friend's son comes to our house in the mornings for an hour, before he goes to school. I repeat and record this conversation for your reading pleasure.....
Me: Oh, today is election day. I need to vote.
M: what's voting
Me: I help decide who forms the next government.
M: Oh....of the country.
M: I wonder which man it's going to be.
E: It could be a girl, you know.
M: No it won't. It's always a man.
E: Well, I'm a girl.
M: You just don't know.
Me: It could be a girl. Or a boy. It depends on who can do the better job.
E: Mom, does it have to be me?
Me: No, sweetie.
E: Good. I don't think I could run a whole country.
M: I could. You just don't know.
Me: well, E, maybe that's something you'll choose to do when you're older.
E: If I have to do that, will you come with me?
Me: Oh, today is election day. I need to vote.
M: what's voting
Me: I help decide who forms the next government.
M: Oh....of the country.
M: I wonder which man it's going to be.
E: It could be a girl, you know.
M: No it won't. It's always a man.
E: Well, I'm a girl.
M: You just don't know.
Me: It could be a girl. Or a boy. It depends on who can do the better job.
E: Mom, does it have to be me?
Me: No, sweetie.
E: Good. I don't think I could run a whole country.
M: I could. You just don't know.
Me: well, E, maybe that's something you'll choose to do when you're older.
E: If I have to do that, will you come with me?
Monday, October 13, 2008
It's THAT time of year in K-W - the bad, the good, and the honest
Okay, biggest Bavarian festival outside of Germany, and it literally takes place outside my door. What 's not to like? Music and food I grew up with. People are happy and laughing and waltzing around with their little green hats with feathers. Celebrate! Ein Prosit!
I live across the road from one of the four German clubs in the city. This past weekend and next I get to witness the results of Oktoberfest overindulgence. People stumbling around and shouting, and pissing on my front lawn at all hours of the morning. Beer. Music. More beer. Some bratwurst. More beer. Roll out he barrel. More beer. Walter Ostanek. More beer.
Today E and I watched the Oktoberfest parade, which takes place, again, right outside our house. She watches while covering her ears because the music is just too loud. She eats her freshly baked pretzel (which used to be one of my highlights, until surgery) and then we wander home. I like parades. Especially this one, because the music I hear is the music of my childhood, and I remember, fondly, being whirled around at family weddings, too small to dance on my feet, to the polkas that are blared from loudspeakers as the floats pass by.
I get it. We all need something to celebrate. Why not?
But when my former partner, who has displayed nothing but disdain for such displays of nationalism in the past, announces that he will be attending such festival with his new girl, well that sticks in my craw.He rationalizes that because she's German, he gets to see the cultural aspect from the viewpoint of an insider.
Jealous much? Uh, no. I don't want him, she can have him....(oblique polka reference, in keeping with the weekend).
He sees nothing amiss with his participation, which is fine. But, he has previously expressed that he has problems with me involving myself or our child in Pride activities in any way. Or making jokes, self-depreciating or not, which reflect my sexuality. Or listening to music which favours any kind of sexual identification. Cause there's no such thing as heterosexual pride, right?
What is Oktoberfest? German Pride. If he chooses to participate in that kind of activity, but questions my judgment when I express an interest in doing something similar, I call that....
hypocrisy.
And bigotry.
This is also thanksgiving weekend, in Canada. Yesterday I hosted family thanksgiving for the first time...ever. Cooked a turkey, and a kick-ass roast beef. Served and cleaned up after 21 people and had an awesome time. Everyone came, even my new niece, only five days old.
Did I mention that I have a new niece? She's absolutely adorable. And so tiny. And so perfect in every way, as all small babies are.
There I was surrounded by family, and in my element - at home, cooking up a storm, visiting with my siblings and nieces and nephews. And for a while I was just - me. It was great. Comfortable in my own skin, doing the things I like to do. The ex stuck around for a while to visit with my family which was also nice. I'm glad he was able to do that, it's comforting to me that he understands that he hasn't really lost a family, because my family will always consider him family. he's E's dad, and that's what matters.
And they will apply the same non-judgemental attitude when I am fully out. My parents know. My brothers will know before Christmas. As for extended family, their knowledge and their reactions matter less to me...
When N left I didn't miss him. And I didn't care where he went.
What I care about is being alone. And what I worry about is getting to the point where I can be comfortable with someone else again, not plagued by insecurities. They are myriad and unfathomable. The way I look - used to be too big, now too angular and elongated. The way I can't connect to people right away. The fears I have about being close to someone else and being hurt again - having to watch them pull away when I'm just not ready. I have mentioned - perhaps - that I feel like a virgin all over again and my lack of experience in that quarter is another basis for more irrational insecurity.
And I'm unemployed...at least I am today. But I had a job interview on Saturday for an assistant supervisor in a small child care centre, and it went very well. They can pay me what I'd like to be paid. I"ve done that kind of wrok before, it's with toddlers, and I love toddlers, so it's a good fit for me. E can come to work with me on her non-school days. So I will likely be ables to strike unemployment off my list of worries. Knowing myself as I do, there will be another worry to add to the list.
I could go on, but I'm sure you get the picture by now. If I sit here and think too hard, it just gets worse. Better to do something, like clean out the toy room in anticipation of eldest daughter's imminent return. Listen to good music, sip that Tim's coffee. Play my guitar for a little while. Sing. Write a bit. Better to focus on what's positive in my life, than what's absolutely wrong. And it's not all that wrong - working through the insecurities is a normal and natural process. There is another end to the tunnel, and I'll see my way out some day.
I live across the road from one of the four German clubs in the city. This past weekend and next I get to witness the results of Oktoberfest overindulgence. People stumbling around and shouting, and pissing on my front lawn at all hours of the morning. Beer. Music. More beer. Some bratwurst. More beer. Roll out he barrel. More beer. Walter Ostanek. More beer.
Today E and I watched the Oktoberfest parade, which takes place, again, right outside our house. She watches while covering her ears because the music is just too loud. She eats her freshly baked pretzel (which used to be one of my highlights, until surgery) and then we wander home. I like parades. Especially this one, because the music I hear is the music of my childhood, and I remember, fondly, being whirled around at family weddings, too small to dance on my feet, to the polkas that are blared from loudspeakers as the floats pass by.
I get it. We all need something to celebrate. Why not?
But when my former partner, who has displayed nothing but disdain for such displays of nationalism in the past, announces that he will be attending such festival with his new girl, well that sticks in my craw.He rationalizes that because she's German, he gets to see the cultural aspect from the viewpoint of an insider.
Jealous much? Uh, no. I don't want him, she can have him....(oblique polka reference, in keeping with the weekend).
He sees nothing amiss with his participation, which is fine. But, he has previously expressed that he has problems with me involving myself or our child in Pride activities in any way. Or making jokes, self-depreciating or not, which reflect my sexuality. Or listening to music which favours any kind of sexual identification. Cause there's no such thing as heterosexual pride, right?
What is Oktoberfest? German Pride. If he chooses to participate in that kind of activity, but questions my judgment when I express an interest in doing something similar, I call that....
hypocrisy.
And bigotry.
This is also thanksgiving weekend, in Canada. Yesterday I hosted family thanksgiving for the first time...ever. Cooked a turkey, and a kick-ass roast beef. Served and cleaned up after 21 people and had an awesome time. Everyone came, even my new niece, only five days old.
Did I mention that I have a new niece? She's absolutely adorable. And so tiny. And so perfect in every way, as all small babies are.
There I was surrounded by family, and in my element - at home, cooking up a storm, visiting with my siblings and nieces and nephews. And for a while I was just - me. It was great. Comfortable in my own skin, doing the things I like to do. The ex stuck around for a while to visit with my family which was also nice. I'm glad he was able to do that, it's comforting to me that he understands that he hasn't really lost a family, because my family will always consider him family. he's E's dad, and that's what matters.
And they will apply the same non-judgemental attitude when I am fully out. My parents know. My brothers will know before Christmas. As for extended family, their knowledge and their reactions matter less to me...
When N left I didn't miss him. And I didn't care where he went.
What I care about is being alone. And what I worry about is getting to the point where I can be comfortable with someone else again, not plagued by insecurities. They are myriad and unfathomable. The way I look - used to be too big, now too angular and elongated. The way I can't connect to people right away. The fears I have about being close to someone else and being hurt again - having to watch them pull away when I'm just not ready. I have mentioned - perhaps - that I feel like a virgin all over again and my lack of experience in that quarter is another basis for more irrational insecurity.
And I'm unemployed...at least I am today. But I had a job interview on Saturday for an assistant supervisor in a small child care centre, and it went very well. They can pay me what I'd like to be paid. I"ve done that kind of wrok before, it's with toddlers, and I love toddlers, so it's a good fit for me. E can come to work with me on her non-school days. So I will likely be ables to strike unemployment off my list of worries. Knowing myself as I do, there will be another worry to add to the list.
I could go on, but I'm sure you get the picture by now. If I sit here and think too hard, it just gets worse. Better to do something, like clean out the toy room in anticipation of eldest daughter's imminent return. Listen to good music, sip that Tim's coffee. Play my guitar for a little while. Sing. Write a bit. Better to focus on what's positive in my life, than what's absolutely wrong. And it's not all that wrong - working through the insecurities is a normal and natural process. There is another end to the tunnel, and I'll see my way out some day.
Friday, October 10, 2008
friday musings and meanderings
Self-esteem is a funny thing. I've never felt quite right, never felt like I fit anywhere, and it's almost like I wait for the negative validation to reinforce all the things I feel about myself. So the man I spent ten years with is head over heels with someone else, two short months after we called it quits, while we are still living in the same house. They are always on the phone. She picks him up and drops him off, and drives past me digging in the front yard like I don't exist, like I'm a problem that needs to go away. He's taking her on picnics and feeding her the bread I baked, the groceries I shopped for. This offends me, somehow, and I'm trying to figure out why, and why can't I just let go of this. Another way to look at the situation is that if he is so quickly able to disconnect, he was never connected in the first place, and there's something inside him that just...can't. He won't take the time to examine his own behaviour and goes out and makes the same mistakes again and again.
I want more than that, next time around. But this has me feeling down, this sense that I can so easily be replaced, and I start to think that there's something about me that's just not good enough. Is there?
Are his insecurities my problem to solve?No. Are his actions really a reflection on me. No again. But what is this sadness that curls about me like midnight fog, that comes upon me in the moments when I am truly alone?
In two more weeks he will be gone, and I can really be alone, private in my space, free to mourn or sing, or whatever, as I please. Two very long weeks. In a few weeks after that I face nine or ten hour days, with a commute, in a job that doesn't pay me enough, so that I can spend even less time with my daughter. But that's not a high price to pay for my independence, for my chance to step back into the driver's seat of my own life. I'm not an empty shell, waiting to be filled, I am already complete and waiting to show myself to the world. Waiting until it feels right, not really waiting at all, but curling up with a good book and a mug of tea, enjoying the solitude and the silence of the season's change. I will know when the time is right to move forward, and start thinking about being with someone again.
I have a job interview tomorrow in Guelph. Assistant supervisor in a child care centre. I was going to stay away from ECE work, but it's what I know, and what I'm best qualified to do. I have to look at it this way in order to retain my sanity - it's a way to earn a living that is not really high stress, that is a lot more active and engaging than a desk job, and that pays more than minimum wage. It does not feel me creatively, but I have other ways to nourish myself. And since the weight loss, I am more physically able to do the work than I ever was. If only it wasn't an hour on the road each day, summer and winter, costing gas money and wear and tear on a car that's only half mine. I'l keep tutoring, for the extra sixty or ninety bucks a week that it brings in, and I'll manage. As long as there's more to my life than just my work. And there is. There's me, at the centre of my own being, learning how to be whole and authentic, and open in ways that I've never been before.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)