Sunday, July 19, 2009

crazy anniversary post

It's hard to pinpoint a date, because it happened in so many little stages over the course of last summer. So I don't really have a day to celebrate - instead the season, late July/early August will always carry that special flavour of freedom.

My last few posts have been somewhat morose - and it's not because I've been taking stock and finding my life wanting, in any way. Blame it on a combination of hormones and anemia that just won't go away. But, really, when I think about how far I've come....

A year ago I had the trappings - the house, the car...the ability to stay home and mother full time, money in the bank (well, sort of), framed art prints, nice vacations and weekend getaways. A partner who had professional status and a master's degree, with big dreams of his own. But what had happened to my dreams? The had been set aside for "after"...when his dreams were realized then maybe I would have the time and opportunity...

A year ago I had two beautiful children and I continue to be blessed every day by their presence in my life.

A year ago I decided that I could no longer set aside the things I loved for the sake of staying in an empty, sterile, safe relationship.

More than a year ago, I woke up to who I really am. I'm a lesbian and proud of it! A year ago, I started my journey towards living an authentic life.

A year ago I gained the confidence to realize that I could, indeed, have it all. I am loving and lovable. I used to believe that, for some reason, there would be no soul mate relationship for me in this lifetime. So I settled for what I had, fooling myself into thinking that it was better than being alone. In other words, really being intimate and close with someone scared the living shit out of me. Some days, it still does, but I'm facing my fears head-on, and no longer hiding behind my extra weight.

A year ago I only weighed about 40 pounds more than I do now, but this year I've gone from a size 18 to a size 12. I haven't been a size 12 since before I was twelve. A year ago I really couldn't recognize myself in the mirror, and now I am so much more comfortable with who I am, with my shape, my solid muscle, and even that darned loose skin.

A year ago I started listening to music, playing my guitar, writing words words words all the time, all over the place. I started to live my beliefs, stand by my convictions, even though my stance was an unpopular one in my household. While the ex supports the right of all persons to marry, we're at opposing ends of so many arguments - health care, social spending, aboriginal rights...he's a white male, he doesn't understand the privileges he's been handed by birthright, and he continues to operate from that mindset. I started talking and I haven't shut up since.

A year ago I found my voice and started using it.

A year ago I acknowledged how much I revel in the company of women. A year ago I came out to the three friends who know me best, the friends that have traveled a spiritual road with me for the past four years. It was one of the most beautiful moments of my life - and so easy, because I came out to three lesbians! Well, semantics here. One lesbian, one queer and one bisexual who's life partner is a woman. We had a long discussion about what we call ourselves and each other, and we decided that I should use the term "gay"...just because nobody else had claimed it. That discussion was almost as fun as the argument over who would get the toaster :)

A year ago I came out to my ex, and...well...of course, we're not together anymore. But we're good friends (as long as I don't cry when he's around...he is somewhat, and sometimes entirely without compassion). We raise the girls together. We make decisions together. It works.

A year ago I planted all kinds of perennials in my front garden. Yesterday the for sale sign went up. This is a good thing - it's not my home anymore. Send good home-selling vibes please!

A year ago I went to Ferron's writer's workshop at the Fen and met some amazing people. This year I'm going back...not to write, but for a pre-Michfest warm up concert. It's open to the public, if anyone else is headed that way. It will!

So how does one celebrate such a huge, earth-shattering, joyful change?

Well, I'm doing it my way.

Next weekend I'm headed for the Hillside Music Festival to see:

Loreena McKennit ( as close to a hometown girl as I can get)

Buffy Ste Marie

and Kate, of course! She is hot, funny, talented...I had to go out and buy a Sunday ticket so that I could see her perform....I thought I could get away with just a Friday/Saturday ticket. But it's all good, because this band is performing on Sunday as well:

the Skydiggers...

So skip ahead another week....

the weekend before Michfest, I'm headed for the Fen, to see:

Ferron - of course. Classic! Words really can't describe what this woman and her music mean to me. Ferron and B!tch.


Tret Fure


Peggy White who doesn't seem to have a youtube presence yet, but I've listened to a few of her songs online and I really like them.

Yes. These are the folks I'm going to hang out with in two weeks!

And that's before I get to Michfest.

Don't worry, I won't list all 40 performances, really. But Melissa Ferrick! Amy Ray! Oh Susanna! oh so many more....really, there is no better way to celebrate my anniversary than to surround myself with music.

So, here's the thing. I can't celebrate without my friends. And you are - with the exception of Dawg and Seelenschmerz (did I spell that right?) so very far away.... and even Toronto is miles away when you don't really like city driving.

On June 25th Kate Reid released her second CD, "I'm Just Warming Up". She sent me not one, but two autographed copies. My daughter Megan's been hankering after the second copy - but I decided that I wanted to share, and spread this talented singer's music far and wide.Well, as far as I can go with one extra copy. (Megan can borrow mine, as long as she returns wait, she can listen to it in my car. She has a terrible track record for returning things)

So, if you'd like an autographed copy of her CD, just leave me a comment, and I'll do a random draw. If you don't win, you can buy her CD here. It's an incredible second effort - I love artists who can make me cry and laugh in the same set.

Really, I'm just giddy, thinking about all that's changed, where I've been, where (hopefully) I'm going.

Thanks for sharing the ride with me.

P.S If you've been reading regularly, and haven't commented before, why not drop me a line and say hello? I'm dying to know who reads my blog from Finland, Hawaii, Australia and Whitehorse. And if you happen to be related to me somehow (I'm thinking Whitehorse here, although I thought all my Whitehorse relatives had moved across the country), say hello anyways.


Ang said...

Great post.... I love music as well and there is no better way to celebrate. Have fun you deserve it!!!

Avril Fleur said...

Have a blast at the concerts! Sounds like you are making the most of the summer! Oh...and I'm sending those good house-selling vibes your way...a quick sale with a bidding war would be nice!! :)

MakingSpace said...

I just started following your blog, and just posted a similar blog entry about my own Out-iversary, one year this week. Congrats to you and joy to the world!

Camlin said...

Amen sisters!

Or, being pagan, I really should say "blessed be!"

Anonymous said...

Happy Anniversary to you! Big changes are always scary but def. worth it. There's so much ahead and it's all bright!

Margo Moon said...

Got to the end of this and realized I'm sitting here with a huge smile on my face. So happy for you. Thank you!

~seelenschmerz~ said...

hey girl! happy freaki' anniversary! breathe the freedom of being yourself, girl. it's such a joy, is it not?

love the music you posted...thank you.

Anonymous said...

I would love to travel up to Canada to go with you. But unfortunatly that is not possible. Props to you on how far you have come in the year! Rock on!!

Camlin said...

Greg, Margo - thank you!!

S - I love it too. And I get to see most of them live over the next two weeks...except....waaah! Kate's playing at Hillside on Sunday and I don't have a Sunday ticket. And they're sold out - we're going to meet up at the festival, but damn, I wish I coud see her perform.

She's playing at Slack's on Thursday, but there's no way I can make it....

Dragon - you don't have to come all the way up here. Just a little ways. I'm driving to Michigan!

Anonymous said...

Ooh, thanks for exposing me to Kate Reid. I wasn't familiar with her before.

What is it about Canada that you folks turn out the best singer-songwriters? Amazing talent up there.

Anonymous said...

PS I honestly believe that one of the reasons we choose to incarnate is to learn the value of individuation and how to be fully ourselves. So many of our life lessons revolve around the resolution of what to do when our true selves bump into others expectations. We learn so much from our choices, including compassion, truth, wisdom.

So Happy Anniversary! This business of individuating and moving toward true selfhood is not easy. It takes a great deal of courage and self-examination and truth-telling. All virtues, to be sure, but none of them easy when put in to practice.

Anonymous said...

HAHA, yeah just looked at ticket prices. I'm a broke bitch. Sorry :-(

LilliGirl said...

Have a blast! You've earned it!

Camlin said...

Em - We Canadians are a talented bunch :)

Lilligirl - thanks!

Dragon - I'm actually going to three different places. Hillside is sold out. (this weekend) I've been saving for a year to go to Michfest(Monday August 3). Going to Ferron's (August 1-3)is kind of a last minute thing, it's in Michigan as well, and it's only $40. 20 for 2 nights camping and 20 for the concert - in the open air, on Ferron's land. She did it last year, I was there, and it was incredible.

Anonymous said...

Wow, sounds like a really fun trip!!

Dawg said...

Amazing what a year can hold within it hey. Be proud of yourself. Always be proud.