I'm off to Michfest.
My friends (many of them have already been, and have given me lots of sage advice) tell me that this could be a life-changing event for me.
Really?
Anyways, that's where I'll be for the next ten days. No cell or internet access, lots and lots of women.
Have I ever mentioned how much I love women? All women?
See you all next week!!!
Friday, July 31, 2009
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Hillside Day 3
I am so tired of Blogger tonight. I had a bunch of pictures, and Blogger ate them. And rearranged the photos that remain. So I'm publishing a bunch of random images without captions, a snapshot of our day. Kate was amazing - she got a standing ovation. I met some good friend there, got to hang out with some great people, and it was all amazing.
And why end with a picture of a mud puddle? Well, that's where the lightning hit, about 30 seconds after I took this shot. The thunder was one of the loudest sounds I ever heard. All the kids in the tent were screaming and crying. People had really gotten into the rain groove and took their shoes of, standing in ankle deep water. Those people got the shock of their lives - literally. Emily and I were wearing running shoes with rubber soles.
Now Emily is terrified of thunderstorms. And my love of storms is tempered with awe and respect.
After the storm passed, we wandered a bit, got some ice cream, and listened to the incredible David Francey before heading home. A great day!
And why end with a picture of a mud puddle? Well, that's where the lightning hit, about 30 seconds after I took this shot. The thunder was one of the loudest sounds I ever heard. All the kids in the tent were screaming and crying. People had really gotten into the rain groove and took their shoes of, standing in ankle deep water. Those people got the shock of their lives - literally. Emily and I were wearing running shoes with rubber soles.
Now Emily is terrified of thunderstorms. And my love of storms is tempered with awe and respect.
After the storm passed, we wandered a bit, got some ice cream, and listened to the incredible David Francey before heading home. A great day!
Sunday, July 26, 2009
HIllside Days 1 and 2
The line of cars in front of us waiting to get into the parking lot.
Emily thought it would be a good time to learn something new. So I tried to teach her how to blow bubbles with bubble gum.
We felt pretty optimistic when we saw the lineup of cars behind us.
Buffy St Marie is incredible. I didn't take any shots of her main stage performance, but she blew me away - that woman can rock. And I love her fusion of folk/rock/aboriginal music. I know she's been around for a while - I mean Universal Soldier was an anthem of the 60's anti-war movement. But, damn, when you look at her, it's hard to believe that she's 67. It was a gift to be able to see her on the small stage, 25 feet away from where I was sitting.
I took a bunch of video, but my stupid computer won't upload them to Blogger. This dinosaur is ready to be pitched! I need a visit from the computer fairy!
More pictures to come!
Friday, July 24, 2009
the universe paves the way
It's 1:24 pm. I'm sitting here in my pajamas feeling decadent and sleepy.
It's Friday. I should have been at work today. But our numbers were low, and I volunteered to take the day off without pay. Why?
Well, it solved the whole issue...from the previous post. I finished work yesterday, dropped Emily at her dad's and drove to Toronto with Megan as planned. Without having to worry at all about getting up in the morning because her dad took her to day care before he went to work, and will pick her up on the way home.
What was I so worried about anyways? I do this to myself all the time. I managed to drive in downtown Toronto without killing myself or anyone else - that's a major accomplishment in itself. Highway driving I'm okay with - but driving through the dark in a city I don't know very well...except as a passenger or a pedestrian, well, that's something else. I only lost my way once (because eldest daughter needs to work on her map-reading skills). I found cheap parking. I walked into Slacks and there was Kate, sitting with her partner, waiting for her set to begin.
I love live music. Anywhere. I'l totally go back for another Thursday night, some day when I'm not working on a Friday.
She's amazing. I didn't take any video. Damn, I didn't even take any pictures. I'll do that on Sunday.
Yes, Sunday. I don't have a Sunday ticket for Hillside.
Let me rephrase that. I didn't have a Sunday ticket for Hillside until last night.
Megan was so thrilled to be able to go - because of her leg, she doesn't get out much. And I finally got to buy her a drink for her 19th birthday - eight months late. And she loved being in a space with live music, sitting at a table with a musician that she respects and admires...I hope she was inspired. If there was ever a kid who should be writing and performing her own music, it's mine. Maybe every mother of a talented singer says that.
I am amazed...every time I can get to a space where women are out and proud, I am reminded of how beautiful and bold we all are. And goddess, we are all so beautiful. I could have sat and watched all night.
I sometimes wish I could move - Toronto is not the place for me, but I feel very isolated in this city. Most of my friends live in Guelph, just a short drive away, but it's so liberal, so...out. Compared to K-W, anyways. But Emily comes first, and she needs to live close to both of her parents.
Have you ever felt like something was just meant to happen in a certain way? Before we left, walking to the car through the pouring rain, Kate offered me a comp ticket for Sunday.
Man, I was wet when I got back to the car, and it was only two blocks away. But I was warm all over.
It's Friday. I should have been at work today. But our numbers were low, and I volunteered to take the day off without pay. Why?
Well, it solved the whole issue...from the previous post. I finished work yesterday, dropped Emily at her dad's and drove to Toronto with Megan as planned. Without having to worry at all about getting up in the morning because her dad took her to day care before he went to work, and will pick her up on the way home.
What was I so worried about anyways? I do this to myself all the time. I managed to drive in downtown Toronto without killing myself or anyone else - that's a major accomplishment in itself. Highway driving I'm okay with - but driving through the dark in a city I don't know very well...except as a passenger or a pedestrian, well, that's something else. I only lost my way once (because eldest daughter needs to work on her map-reading skills). I found cheap parking. I walked into Slacks and there was Kate, sitting with her partner, waiting for her set to begin.
I love live music. Anywhere. I'l totally go back for another Thursday night, some day when I'm not working on a Friday.
She's amazing. I didn't take any video. Damn, I didn't even take any pictures. I'll do that on Sunday.
Yes, Sunday. I don't have a Sunday ticket for Hillside.
Let me rephrase that. I didn't have a Sunday ticket for Hillside until last night.
Megan was so thrilled to be able to go - because of her leg, she doesn't get out much. And I finally got to buy her a drink for her 19th birthday - eight months late. And she loved being in a space with live music, sitting at a table with a musician that she respects and admires...I hope she was inspired. If there was ever a kid who should be writing and performing her own music, it's mine. Maybe every mother of a talented singer says that.
I am amazed...every time I can get to a space where women are out and proud, I am reminded of how beautiful and bold we all are. And goddess, we are all so beautiful. I could have sat and watched all night.
I sometimes wish I could move - Toronto is not the place for me, but I feel very isolated in this city. Most of my friends live in Guelph, just a short drive away, but it's so liberal, so...out. Compared to K-W, anyways. But Emily comes first, and she needs to live close to both of her parents.
Have you ever felt like something was just meant to happen in a certain way? Before we left, walking to the car through the pouring rain, Kate offered me a comp ticket for Sunday.
Man, I was wet when I got back to the car, and it was only two blocks away. But I was warm all over.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
heh!
Serves me right. I should have checked the schedule, but had I waited for the schedule, i would have no ticket to Hillside at all.
Weekend passes sell out the day they are released, and after that you pay a separate price for each day of the festival. I took a gamble, bought tickets for Friday and Saturday. Guess when Kate is playing?
Sunday. Sunday tickets are all sold out....
I will still see her...she'll be there all weekend, but I really want to see her show.
So there are two options. Wait until fall, when she's back for another tour through SW Ontario (She lives in BC). Or...
Drive to Toronto on Thursday night and see her perform at Slacks.
I've only driven to Toronto about half a dozen times in my middle-aged existence...all within the last two years. I could drive to the outskirts and take the subway....
and this is so silly...out for one year, and I've never been to a...and it scares me shitless. Why?
So my hesitation about going is really about going to a women's club, where I've never been, and about my insecurities around crowds in general. When i was in my twenties, and i went out with my friends, I would have major panic attacks just before we got to the bar. it took me years to get over them...
But I really want to go.
Time to step outside my comfort zone a little and stretch myself.
Weekend passes sell out the day they are released, and after that you pay a separate price for each day of the festival. I took a gamble, bought tickets for Friday and Saturday. Guess when Kate is playing?
Sunday. Sunday tickets are all sold out....
I will still see her...she'll be there all weekend, but I really want to see her show.
So there are two options. Wait until fall, when she's back for another tour through SW Ontario (She lives in BC). Or...
Drive to Toronto on Thursday night and see her perform at Slacks.
I've only driven to Toronto about half a dozen times in my middle-aged existence...all within the last two years. I could drive to the outskirts and take the subway....
and this is so silly...out for one year, and I've never been to a...and it scares me shitless. Why?
So my hesitation about going is really about going to a women's club, where I've never been, and about my insecurities around crowds in general. When i was in my twenties, and i went out with my friends, I would have major panic attacks just before we got to the bar. it took me years to get over them...
But I really want to go.
Time to step outside my comfort zone a little and stretch myself.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
crazy anniversary post
It's hard to pinpoint a date, because it happened in so many little stages over the course of last summer. So I don't really have a day to celebrate - instead the season, late July/early August will always carry that special flavour of freedom.
My last few posts have been somewhat morose - and it's not because I've been taking stock and finding my life wanting, in any way. Blame it on a combination of hormones and anemia that just won't go away. But, really, when I think about how far I've come....
A year ago I had the trappings - the house, the car...the ability to stay home and mother full time, money in the bank (well, sort of), framed art prints, nice vacations and weekend getaways. A partner who had professional status and a master's degree, with big dreams of his own. But what had happened to my dreams? The had been set aside for "after"...when his dreams were realized then maybe I would have the time and opportunity...
A year ago I had two beautiful children and I continue to be blessed every day by their presence in my life.
A year ago I decided that I could no longer set aside the things I loved for the sake of staying in an empty, sterile, safe relationship.
More than a year ago, I woke up to who I really am. I'm a lesbian and proud of it! A year ago, I started my journey towards living an authentic life.
A year ago I gained the confidence to realize that I could, indeed, have it all. I am loving and lovable. I used to believe that, for some reason, there would be no soul mate relationship for me in this lifetime. So I settled for what I had, fooling myself into thinking that it was better than being alone. In other words, really being intimate and close with someone scared the living shit out of me. Some days, it still does, but I'm facing my fears head-on, and no longer hiding behind my extra weight.
A year ago I only weighed about 40 pounds more than I do now, but this year I've gone from a size 18 to a size 12. I haven't been a size 12 since before I was twelve. A year ago I really couldn't recognize myself in the mirror, and now I am so much more comfortable with who I am, with my shape, my solid muscle, and even that darned loose skin.
A year ago I started listening to music, playing my guitar, writing words words words all the time, all over the place. I started to live my beliefs, stand by my convictions, even though my stance was an unpopular one in my household. While the ex supports the right of all persons to marry, we're at opposing ends of so many arguments - health care, social spending, aboriginal rights...he's a white male, he doesn't understand the privileges he's been handed by birthright, and he continues to operate from that mindset. I started talking and I haven't shut up since.
A year ago I found my voice and started using it.
A year ago I acknowledged how much I revel in the company of women. A year ago I came out to the three friends who know me best, the friends that have traveled a spiritual road with me for the past four years. It was one of the most beautiful moments of my life - and so easy, because I came out to three lesbians! Well, semantics here. One lesbian, one queer and one bisexual who's life partner is a woman. We had a long discussion about what we call ourselves and each other, and we decided that I should use the term "gay"...just because nobody else had claimed it. That discussion was almost as fun as the argument over who would get the toaster :)
A year ago I came out to my ex, and...well...of course, we're not together anymore. But we're good friends (as long as I don't cry when he's around...he is somewhat, and sometimes entirely without compassion). We raise the girls together. We make decisions together. It works.
A year ago I planted all kinds of perennials in my front garden. Yesterday the for sale sign went up. This is a good thing - it's not my home anymore. Send good home-selling vibes please!
A year ago I went to Ferron's writer's workshop at the Fen and met some amazing people. This year I'm going back...not to write, but for a pre-Michfest warm up concert. It's open to the public, if anyone else is headed that way. It will be...wow!
So how does one celebrate such a huge, earth-shattering, joyful change?
Well, I'm doing it my way.
Next weekend I'm headed for the Hillside Music Festival to see:
Loreena McKennit ( as close to a hometown girl as I can get)
Buffy Ste Marie
and Kate, of course! She is hot, funny, talented...I had to go out and buy a Sunday ticket so that I could see her perform....I thought I could get away with just a Friday/Saturday ticket. But it's all good, because this band is performing on Sunday as well:
the Skydiggers...
So skip ahead another week....
the weekend before Michfest, I'm headed for the Fen, to see:
Ferron - of course. Classic! Words really can't describe what this woman and her music mean to me. Ferron and B!tch.
and
Tret Fure
and
Peggy White who doesn't seem to have a youtube presence yet, but I've listened to a few of her songs online and I really like them.
Yes. These are the folks I'm going to hang out with in two weeks!
And that's before I get to Michfest.
Don't worry, I won't list all 40 performances, really. But Melissa Ferrick! Amy Ray! Oh Susanna! oh so many more....really, there is no better way to celebrate my anniversary than to surround myself with music.
So, here's the thing. I can't celebrate without my friends. And you are - with the exception of Dawg and Seelenschmerz (did I spell that right?) so very far away.... and even Toronto is miles away when you don't really like city driving.
On June 25th Kate Reid released her second CD, "I'm Just Warming Up". She sent me not one, but two autographed copies. My daughter Megan's been hankering after the second copy - but I decided that I wanted to share, and spread this talented singer's music far and wide.Well, as far as I can go with one extra copy. (Megan can borrow mine, as long as she returns it...no wait, she can listen to it in my car. She has a terrible track record for returning things)
So, if you'd like an autographed copy of her CD, just leave me a comment, and I'll do a random draw. If you don't win, you can buy her CD here. It's an incredible second effort - I love artists who can make me cry and laugh in the same set.
Really, I'm just giddy, thinking about all that's changed, where I've been, where (hopefully) I'm going.
Thanks for sharing the ride with me.
P.S If you've been reading regularly, and haven't commented before, why not drop me a line and say hello? I'm dying to know who reads my blog from Finland, Hawaii, Australia and Whitehorse. And if you happen to be related to me somehow (I'm thinking Whitehorse here, although I thought all my Whitehorse relatives had moved across the country), say hello anyways.
My last few posts have been somewhat morose - and it's not because I've been taking stock and finding my life wanting, in any way. Blame it on a combination of hormones and anemia that just won't go away. But, really, when I think about how far I've come....
A year ago I had the trappings - the house, the car...the ability to stay home and mother full time, money in the bank (well, sort of), framed art prints, nice vacations and weekend getaways. A partner who had professional status and a master's degree, with big dreams of his own. But what had happened to my dreams? The had been set aside for "after"...when his dreams were realized then maybe I would have the time and opportunity...
A year ago I had two beautiful children and I continue to be blessed every day by their presence in my life.
A year ago I decided that I could no longer set aside the things I loved for the sake of staying in an empty, sterile, safe relationship.
More than a year ago, I woke up to who I really am. I'm a lesbian and proud of it! A year ago, I started my journey towards living an authentic life.
A year ago I gained the confidence to realize that I could, indeed, have it all. I am loving and lovable. I used to believe that, for some reason, there would be no soul mate relationship for me in this lifetime. So I settled for what I had, fooling myself into thinking that it was better than being alone. In other words, really being intimate and close with someone scared the living shit out of me. Some days, it still does, but I'm facing my fears head-on, and no longer hiding behind my extra weight.
A year ago I only weighed about 40 pounds more than I do now, but this year I've gone from a size 18 to a size 12. I haven't been a size 12 since before I was twelve. A year ago I really couldn't recognize myself in the mirror, and now I am so much more comfortable with who I am, with my shape, my solid muscle, and even that darned loose skin.
A year ago I started listening to music, playing my guitar, writing words words words all the time, all over the place. I started to live my beliefs, stand by my convictions, even though my stance was an unpopular one in my household. While the ex supports the right of all persons to marry, we're at opposing ends of so many arguments - health care, social spending, aboriginal rights...he's a white male, he doesn't understand the privileges he's been handed by birthright, and he continues to operate from that mindset. I started talking and I haven't shut up since.
A year ago I found my voice and started using it.
A year ago I acknowledged how much I revel in the company of women. A year ago I came out to the three friends who know me best, the friends that have traveled a spiritual road with me for the past four years. It was one of the most beautiful moments of my life - and so easy, because I came out to three lesbians! Well, semantics here. One lesbian, one queer and one bisexual who's life partner is a woman. We had a long discussion about what we call ourselves and each other, and we decided that I should use the term "gay"...just because nobody else had claimed it. That discussion was almost as fun as the argument over who would get the toaster :)
A year ago I came out to my ex, and...well...of course, we're not together anymore. But we're good friends (as long as I don't cry when he's around...he is somewhat, and sometimes entirely without compassion). We raise the girls together. We make decisions together. It works.
A year ago I planted all kinds of perennials in my front garden. Yesterday the for sale sign went up. This is a good thing - it's not my home anymore. Send good home-selling vibes please!
A year ago I went to Ferron's writer's workshop at the Fen and met some amazing people. This year I'm going back...not to write, but for a pre-Michfest warm up concert. It's open to the public, if anyone else is headed that way. It will be...wow!
So how does one celebrate such a huge, earth-shattering, joyful change?
Well, I'm doing it my way.
Next weekend I'm headed for the Hillside Music Festival to see:
Loreena McKennit ( as close to a hometown girl as I can get)
Buffy Ste Marie
and Kate, of course! She is hot, funny, talented...I had to go out and buy a Sunday ticket so that I could see her perform....I thought I could get away with just a Friday/Saturday ticket. But it's all good, because this band is performing on Sunday as well:
the Skydiggers...
So skip ahead another week....
the weekend before Michfest, I'm headed for the Fen, to see:
Ferron - of course. Classic! Words really can't describe what this woman and her music mean to me. Ferron and B!tch.
and
Tret Fure
and
Peggy White who doesn't seem to have a youtube presence yet, but I've listened to a few of her songs online and I really like them.
Yes. These are the folks I'm going to hang out with in two weeks!
And that's before I get to Michfest.
Don't worry, I won't list all 40 performances, really. But Melissa Ferrick! Amy Ray! Oh Susanna! oh so many more....really, there is no better way to celebrate my anniversary than to surround myself with music.
So, here's the thing. I can't celebrate without my friends. And you are - with the exception of Dawg and Seelenschmerz (did I spell that right?) so very far away.... and even Toronto is miles away when you don't really like city driving.
On June 25th Kate Reid released her second CD, "I'm Just Warming Up". She sent me not one, but two autographed copies. My daughter Megan's been hankering after the second copy - but I decided that I wanted to share, and spread this talented singer's music far and wide.Well, as far as I can go with one extra copy. (Megan can borrow mine, as long as she returns it...no wait, she can listen to it in my car. She has a terrible track record for returning things)
So, if you'd like an autographed copy of her CD, just leave me a comment, and I'll do a random draw. If you don't win, you can buy her CD here. It's an incredible second effort - I love artists who can make me cry and laugh in the same set.
Really, I'm just giddy, thinking about all that's changed, where I've been, where (hopefully) I'm going.
Thanks for sharing the ride with me.
P.S If you've been reading regularly, and haven't commented before, why not drop me a line and say hello? I'm dying to know who reads my blog from Finland, Hawaii, Australia and Whitehorse. And if you happen to be related to me somehow (I'm thinking Whitehorse here, although I thought all my Whitehorse relatives had moved across the country), say hello anyways.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Friday
I'm feeling better. Emotionally.
I'm too tired to post much more.
I'll be back tomorrow, with something upbeat for a change.
I'm too tired to post much more.
I'll be back tomorrow, with something upbeat for a change.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
take two valerian and call me in the morning
It's rough going right now.
I barely slept last night.
I was told yesterday that my job will likely drop to half time by Labour Day. That just doesn't work. Half my wages go to gas, I'm commuting one hour (total) for a four hour shift, and I'd be paying for child care at the end of the day, and not working while Emily's in school. It doesn't make sense.
And my ex and I have decided to sell the house. While making the decision I had an emotional moment that was beyond his tolerance and he was quite nasty about it. I cried, people. That's it.
He's since apologized, but it still stings.
ECE is great when you're enthusiastic. And if you don't mind living at slightly above subsistence level.I'm falling short of enthusiasm at the moment. And I'd like to be able to retire before I'm 85...perhaps I'll work at something for that long, but my arthritic, bent body will not enjoy crawling around on the floor when I've reached my golden years. Grandchildren, yes. Other people's children...no thanks. My gut is telling me it's time to make a change...but how do I pursue my dreams and earn a living at the same time?
You all know what I want to do. But I am so full of self-doubt at the moment that I can only see my potential for failure.
I'm simultaneously fighting off this depression that wont. go. away. I have my period. My anemia has flared up again. I'm tired all the time, and I can't focus on anything positive...even though, the very day that I was informed of the situation, my gut was telling me that change was in the air. Perhaps I was picking up on my supervisor's anxiety - this situation is not her fault, she wants me to stay, and I know that if circumstances change (as in higher enrollment) I will still have a job come September. But do i really want that? Is that what's best for me? It's safe, and comfortable. It's not secure, as I have seen, but I'm employable. Do I take the risk I'm contemplating, or stick with my secure, safe work that is slowly draining me of any enthusiasm that I might once have had?
I did some research this morning, and found out that the birth control I was prescribed (progesterone mini-pill, obviously to control my periods as birth control is no longer necessary) can lead to increased depression and anxiety. I have been depressed before, especially last year during that whole, horrible separation and coming-out process (which of course is not over yet). Ever since I've started taking the damn things, I've had depressions that start about a week before my period starts. Every month they get longer. I think there's a connection.
So if I stop taking it, my periods will get heavier (not that they're all that effective, but I've had some relief) and my anemia might get worse. If I keep taking them, I'll just feel like crap till I don't know when. My midwife friend may have a few tips for me...and I think I'd rather live with the prospect of heavier bleeding. Really. it's that bad. My only relief so far has been the two valerian tablets I took this morning after I called in sick. I have had them around since last year, as a sleep aid, and I've only taken them a few times. I didn't sleep, but things have...lifted.
Lifted enough that I can write somewhat coherently. And to see that tiny light at the end of the tunnel...maybe.
I barely slept last night.
I was told yesterday that my job will likely drop to half time by Labour Day. That just doesn't work. Half my wages go to gas, I'm commuting one hour (total) for a four hour shift, and I'd be paying for child care at the end of the day, and not working while Emily's in school. It doesn't make sense.
And my ex and I have decided to sell the house. While making the decision I had an emotional moment that was beyond his tolerance and he was quite nasty about it. I cried, people. That's it.
He's since apologized, but it still stings.
ECE is great when you're enthusiastic. And if you don't mind living at slightly above subsistence level.I'm falling short of enthusiasm at the moment. And I'd like to be able to retire before I'm 85...perhaps I'll work at something for that long, but my arthritic, bent body will not enjoy crawling around on the floor when I've reached my golden years. Grandchildren, yes. Other people's children...no thanks. My gut is telling me it's time to make a change...but how do I pursue my dreams and earn a living at the same time?
You all know what I want to do. But I am so full of self-doubt at the moment that I can only see my potential for failure.
I'm simultaneously fighting off this depression that wont. go. away. I have my period. My anemia has flared up again. I'm tired all the time, and I can't focus on anything positive...even though, the very day that I was informed of the situation, my gut was telling me that change was in the air. Perhaps I was picking up on my supervisor's anxiety - this situation is not her fault, she wants me to stay, and I know that if circumstances change (as in higher enrollment) I will still have a job come September. But do i really want that? Is that what's best for me? It's safe, and comfortable. It's not secure, as I have seen, but I'm employable. Do I take the risk I'm contemplating, or stick with my secure, safe work that is slowly draining me of any enthusiasm that I might once have had?
I did some research this morning, and found out that the birth control I was prescribed (progesterone mini-pill, obviously to control my periods as birth control is no longer necessary) can lead to increased depression and anxiety. I have been depressed before, especially last year during that whole, horrible separation and coming-out process (which of course is not over yet). Ever since I've started taking the damn things, I've had depressions that start about a week before my period starts. Every month they get longer. I think there's a connection.
So if I stop taking it, my periods will get heavier (not that they're all that effective, but I've had some relief) and my anemia might get worse. If I keep taking them, I'll just feel like crap till I don't know when. My midwife friend may have a few tips for me...and I think I'd rather live with the prospect of heavier bleeding. Really. it's that bad. My only relief so far has been the two valerian tablets I took this morning after I called in sick. I have had them around since last year, as a sleep aid, and I've only taken them a few times. I didn't sleep, but things have...lifted.
Lifted enough that I can write somewhat coherently. And to see that tiny light at the end of the tunnel...maybe.
I'm a follower...
1 What is your occupation right now? soon-to-be unemployed Early Childhood Educator
2. What color are your socks right now? socks? In July? It might be freakishly cold this summer, but I refuse to stoop to summer sock-wearing.
3. What are you listening to right now? the sounds outside my office window
4. What was the last thing that you ate? a handful of roasted tamari almonds
5. Can you drive a stick shift? yes
6. Last person you spoke to on the phone? my oldest daughter
7. Do you like the person who sent this to you? my refocksa peeps rock!
8. How old are you today? chronologically - 44 but I feel like I'm about 75
9. What is your favorite sport to watch on TV? figure skating
10. What is your favorite drink? coffee or diet coke - and I must leave both of them behind
12. Favorite food? fresh fruit, pistachios in the shell, dark chocolate
13. What is the last movie you watched? can't remember
14. Favorite day of the year? Halloween/Samhain
15. How do you vent anger? I cry, and I write, and then I cry again
16.. What was your favorite toy as a child? the snakes, toads, crickets and caterpillars in the back yard
17. What is your favorite season? every time the season turns, I think it's my favourite season
18. Cherries or Blueberries? cherries, hands down
19. Do you want your friends to e-mail you back? I'm probably the last in line....
20. Who is the most likely to respond? ....
21. Who is least likely to respond? well, I think now that I've finished, there's no one left
22. Living arrangements? three bedroom townhouse with five year old, a cat and a dog
23. When was the last time you cried? this morning
24. What is on the floor of your closet? laundry basket, clothes that are too big for me, shoes
25. Who is the friend you have had the longest? See previous post...
26. What did you do last night? had an "emergency finance meeting" with emotionally sterile ex...who couldn't figure out why losing my job and deciding to sell the house in the same day might make my cry, so he basically told me to pull myself together or I'd better watch out because he might "take E away..." whereupon we had words over the inappropriateness of his comments. He apologized, and I remembered why I can't turn to him when in emotional distress...she is not his to take away and I hate that kind of "power over" bullshit
28. Plain, cheese, or spicy hamburgers? None. Not even veggie burgers because they make me throw up.
29. Favorite dog breed? great danes/golden retrievers. Tell my how did I end up with a miniature poodle?
30. Favorite day of the week? Do not answer this question when depressed....
31. How many states have you lived in? none! I've lived in one province all my life...Ontario
32. Diamonds or pearls? neither
33. What are your favorite flowers? basil, sage, oregano, cilantro...flowers won't grow for me, so I stick to herbs.
2. What color are your socks right now? socks? In July? It might be freakishly cold this summer, but I refuse to stoop to summer sock-wearing.
3. What are you listening to right now? the sounds outside my office window
4. What was the last thing that you ate? a handful of roasted tamari almonds
5. Can you drive a stick shift? yes
6. Last person you spoke to on the phone? my oldest daughter
7. Do you like the person who sent this to you? my refocksa peeps rock!
8. How old are you today? chronologically - 44 but I feel like I'm about 75
9. What is your favorite sport to watch on TV? figure skating
10. What is your favorite drink? coffee or diet coke - and I must leave both of them behind
12. Favorite food? fresh fruit, pistachios in the shell, dark chocolate
13. What is the last movie you watched? can't remember
14. Favorite day of the year? Halloween/Samhain
15. How do you vent anger? I cry, and I write, and then I cry again
16.. What was your favorite toy as a child? the snakes, toads, crickets and caterpillars in the back yard
17. What is your favorite season? every time the season turns, I think it's my favourite season
18. Cherries or Blueberries? cherries, hands down
19. Do you want your friends to e-mail you back? I'm probably the last in line....
20. Who is the most likely to respond? ....
21. Who is least likely to respond? well, I think now that I've finished, there's no one left
22. Living arrangements? three bedroom townhouse with five year old, a cat and a dog
23. When was the last time you cried? this morning
24. What is on the floor of your closet? laundry basket, clothes that are too big for me, shoes
25. Who is the friend you have had the longest? See previous post...
26. What did you do last night? had an "emergency finance meeting" with emotionally sterile ex...who couldn't figure out why losing my job and deciding to sell the house in the same day might make my cry, so he basically told me to pull myself together or I'd better watch out because he might "take E away..." whereupon we had words over the inappropriateness of his comments. He apologized, and I remembered why I can't turn to him when in emotional distress...she is not his to take away and I hate that kind of "power over" bullshit
28. Plain, cheese, or spicy hamburgers? None. Not even veggie burgers because they make me throw up.
29. Favorite dog breed? great danes/golden retrievers. Tell my how did I end up with a miniature poodle?
30. Favorite day of the week? Do not answer this question when depressed....
31. How many states have you lived in? none! I've lived in one province all my life...Ontario
32. Diamonds or pearls? neither
33. What are your favorite flowers? basil, sage, oregano, cilantro...flowers won't grow for me, so I stick to herbs.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
five warriors
Before I left yesterday, I pulled this card from my new tarot deck:
My new deck is a gift. I wasn't sure if I liked it until I pulled that card. The five of wands is a card of conflict and competition. Pulling that card seems to imply that there might be strife within a group.
Note that there is a redhead, and the other four women have varying shades of dark hair. Now, here's a group shot from yesterday:
Although there appear to be several blondes in the group, you have my assurance that their natural shades run from ginger brown to dark brown...or perhaps grey by now.
I'm sure that more than a few of you scoff at the idea that tarot cards are an effective method of divination, or that any form of divination is even possible. That's okay. What I think is that the energy around us is not bound by linear time, as our bodies are, and it holds information about our past, our present, and our future.
The Five of Wands, in this instance, is about a group of teenage girls, a group of young misfits who bonded and banded together in order to protect ourselves and each other. We had each others' backs. And we needed each other badly.
My high school was probably a typical small-town high school. Small, of course. Insular. Closed. Hierarchical. When I first started attending, in 1979, my hometown was still pretty small. Lots of the kids who attended came from nearby farms and small towns. If you had a recognizable last name, you were in - especially if your family had lived in town for generations. If you were attractive, you were in. If you were sporty you were in.
Being smart could not save you.
Being shy and withdrawn only made it worse.
Being obese was hell, unless you were from a family that had lived there for generations, and even then it was hell.
Having a local police officer for a father in a town of drinking and pot-smoking teenagers made you a target for mockery and some measure of violence. If you consider obscenities scrawled on your locker door, firecrackers in your locker, spit in your french fries and moldy lunches mixed in with your shoes and books to be violent.
Being from the country was sometimes a strike against you.
Being the daughter of a school superintendent (and later Director of Education)created a "smart kid" label that helped with academic success, but hindered social progress greatly.
Being the daughter of the town pariahs (oh, the rumors)most often led to rumors and vicious lies, and the snubbing of most of the girls.
The teachers stood back and watched the bullying that went on. They ignored it. In my mind, they condoned it. Some of them participated in it. After all many of them had taught the parents of the kids I went to school with. Many of their families had lived in the town for generations.
We found each other at the end of grade ten. Actually, two of the women in the picture had been my friends since grades four and six. Elementary school was really not that much better. Our group formed out of self-defense. We needed each other. And in needing each other, we all found common bonds that have kept us in touch and together over the years. Most of us live within an hour's drive of each other. Except for one of us, who has spent the last 20 years about six hours east of here.
One of us is a teacher, like her parents before her. She's married, with three beautiful children.
One of us is married, has two boys, and seems to be second mother to every small tot that wanders through her yard. She has a big kitchen and a big heart, and both are always open.
One of us married, and divorced after many years. She's dating someone new, and I have never seen her look so good -radiant and happy.
Two of us had gastric bypass surgery. In fact, the surgery is what brought us back in touch with each other after so many years - I told her, she had it done a year later, and is happy and dating.
One of us is an ECE, an itinerant blogger and a writer. She's a mother, a lesbian, a feminist, and inclined towards compassion. The kids who made our lives hell really didn't know what they were doing, or the long-term effects it would have on all of us. I can't speak for anyone else in the group, but for many years, I suffered from extreme social anxiety. I was depressed and withdrawn, and I had panic attacks whenever I went out. I couldn't speak in public, let alone sing, which is why I don't perform any music in public, to this day. To this day, new situations cause me to feel anxious and I tend to either babble or stop talking. I taught myself the social skills I lacked. I forced myself to learn to talk to people again.
And I'm okay. We're all okay. Because we had each other.
My new deck is a gift. I wasn't sure if I liked it until I pulled that card. The five of wands is a card of conflict and competition. Pulling that card seems to imply that there might be strife within a group.
Note that there is a redhead, and the other four women have varying shades of dark hair. Now, here's a group shot from yesterday:
Although there appear to be several blondes in the group, you have my assurance that their natural shades run from ginger brown to dark brown...or perhaps grey by now.
I'm sure that more than a few of you scoff at the idea that tarot cards are an effective method of divination, or that any form of divination is even possible. That's okay. What I think is that the energy around us is not bound by linear time, as our bodies are, and it holds information about our past, our present, and our future.
The Five of Wands, in this instance, is about a group of teenage girls, a group of young misfits who bonded and banded together in order to protect ourselves and each other. We had each others' backs. And we needed each other badly.
My high school was probably a typical small-town high school. Small, of course. Insular. Closed. Hierarchical. When I first started attending, in 1979, my hometown was still pretty small. Lots of the kids who attended came from nearby farms and small towns. If you had a recognizable last name, you were in - especially if your family had lived in town for generations. If you were attractive, you were in. If you were sporty you were in.
Being smart could not save you.
Being shy and withdrawn only made it worse.
Being obese was hell, unless you were from a family that had lived there for generations, and even then it was hell.
Having a local police officer for a father in a town of drinking and pot-smoking teenagers made you a target for mockery and some measure of violence. If you consider obscenities scrawled on your locker door, firecrackers in your locker, spit in your french fries and moldy lunches mixed in with your shoes and books to be violent.
Being from the country was sometimes a strike against you.
Being the daughter of a school superintendent (and later Director of Education)created a "smart kid" label that helped with academic success, but hindered social progress greatly.
Being the daughter of the town pariahs (oh, the rumors)most often led to rumors and vicious lies, and the snubbing of most of the girls.
The teachers stood back and watched the bullying that went on. They ignored it. In my mind, they condoned it. Some of them participated in it. After all many of them had taught the parents of the kids I went to school with. Many of their families had lived in the town for generations.
We found each other at the end of grade ten. Actually, two of the women in the picture had been my friends since grades four and six. Elementary school was really not that much better. Our group formed out of self-defense. We needed each other. And in needing each other, we all found common bonds that have kept us in touch and together over the years. Most of us live within an hour's drive of each other. Except for one of us, who has spent the last 20 years about six hours east of here.
One of us is a teacher, like her parents before her. She's married, with three beautiful children.
One of us is married, has two boys, and seems to be second mother to every small tot that wanders through her yard. She has a big kitchen and a big heart, and both are always open.
One of us married, and divorced after many years. She's dating someone new, and I have never seen her look so good -radiant and happy.
Two of us had gastric bypass surgery. In fact, the surgery is what brought us back in touch with each other after so many years - I told her, she had it done a year later, and is happy and dating.
One of us is an ECE, an itinerant blogger and a writer. She's a mother, a lesbian, a feminist, and inclined towards compassion. The kids who made our lives hell really didn't know what they were doing, or the long-term effects it would have on all of us. I can't speak for anyone else in the group, but for many years, I suffered from extreme social anxiety. I was depressed and withdrawn, and I had panic attacks whenever I went out. I couldn't speak in public, let alone sing, which is why I don't perform any music in public, to this day. To this day, new situations cause me to feel anxious and I tend to either babble or stop talking. I taught myself the social skills I lacked. I forced myself to learn to talk to people again.
And I'm okay. We're all okay. Because we had each other.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
today
It's my birthday today.
I woke up to the sounds of thunder. I love thunderstorms. To me they symbolize tranformation, they are the agents of change, they are everything wild and beautiful about this world.
This evening I'm going to meet with some of my old high school chums. I hated high school, we all did, but some of us forged bonds while we were there that time, distance and change cannot erase.
I've been reflecting a lot this morning. I have a lot of gratitude and excitement for the year ahead.
More, later. With photos.
I woke up to the sounds of thunder. I love thunderstorms. To me they symbolize tranformation, they are the agents of change, they are everything wild and beautiful about this world.
This evening I'm going to meet with some of my old high school chums. I hated high school, we all did, but some of us forged bonds while we were there that time, distance and change cannot erase.
I've been reflecting a lot this morning. I have a lot of gratitude and excitement for the year ahead.
More, later. With photos.
Friday, July 10, 2009
coffee through my nose
Emily (almost 6) to me: "Well, Denise (school friend) thinks its okay for girls to marry other girls, so she's a dyke too!"
(Once I regained my composure, I explained the difference between being a lesbian and the broader political/social implications of gay marriage...well as much as she can understand. What I didn't realize is that she understands the word dyke - in our conversations, I've always used the word "lesbian," but I'm sure the word has come up before....)
(Once I regained my composure, I explained the difference between being a lesbian and the broader political/social implications of gay marriage...well as much as she can understand. What I didn't realize is that she understands the word dyke - in our conversations, I've always used the word "lesbian," but I'm sure the word has come up before....)
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
update
Well, it not a blood clot. Thank the goddess for that!
Of course, we still don't know what's going on.
She has a fracture clinic appointment next week. my ex and I are both going with her. There's strength in numbers.
We're going to get to the bottom of this.
For those of you who commented and gave us both your support and kind words, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You are all amazing people!
Of course, we still don't know what's going on.
She has a fracture clinic appointment next week. my ex and I are both going with her. There's strength in numbers.
We're going to get to the bottom of this.
For those of you who commented and gave us both your support and kind words, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You are all amazing people!
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
vent
On November 6th of last year, my daughter (the older one, almost 19) was hit by a car while she was crossing the street. She was at a traffic light, the light was green, the walk sign was on, and a girl about her age who happened to be texting while driving turned left and hit her. Those of you who have followed me from my old blog have already heard the story.
Megan broke her right tibia/fibula. It was an open fracture, she was hospitalized, had surgery, was sent home with an estimated 3-4 month recovery time.
It's been eight months. During three of those months she needed round the clock care - she could walk with crutches, but she was unable to carry anything, do anything for herself including cooking, carrying things, getting up out of bed, getting up and down the stairs independently.
Eight months later, almost to the day, she's still using a crutch or cane, she's only able to weight bear 50%. Her lower leg is swollen, and sometimes hot to the touch. We've seen our family practitioner and our surgeon multiple times. Sometimes I can go with her, and sometimes I can't. She wants answers. She gets platitudes:
"Some people take longer to heal than others."
"Do you smoke (no!)If you smoke, it will take longer for you to heal."
"Just keep going to physio, and here, try this ultrasound machine."
"We'll assess in two, four, six, ten weeks. You might need additional surgery."
Last week, her physiotherapist wrote a note to her GP, requesting that Megan receive a second orthopedic opinion. Apparently her muscles have healed, and are fully strengthened. But she still can't walk properly, or weight bear.
Which means that she can't work, go to school, go for a walk longer than two or three blocks, ride a bike, dance, do the normal things that 19 year olds like to do. She needs to keep her leg elevated a lot of the time, because if she doesn't it will swell. So no movies or concerts (I sneaked her out to see the Indigo Girls, but she elevated her leg on the ride down to Buffalo and back).
She volunteers at my workplace although it gives her pain because she's desperate to leave the house.
It will be a very long time before she works retail again. She's a high-school dropout. Retail is all she knows. She will likely not be able to do any work that requires prolonged standing.
My kid is strong. Her sudden loss of independence has been a test of her strength, and she's come out on top, emotionally. But she's paying for someone else's carelessness.
First of all, drivers need their hands on the steering wheel. I've used my cell phone in the car, only if I have to, but for crying out loud, why would anyone think it's okay to take their hand (s) off the wheel and then proceed to look down to write a text message? That's just dumb.
And then there are the worthies in the medical profession. The doctors who have not taken my daughter seriously. Who, even now, are disregarding her symptoms, and ignoring her questions. She's been asking the same question for months and no one has given her an answer.
What's wrong with my leg?
Surely a family physician and an ortho surgeon can put their heads together and arrive at an answer. Or seek out the opinion of colleagues. Or something.
But no, she gets platitudes.
Today, she went to our family doctor to ask, for the third time, for a second medical opinion. The doctor refused - she wants Megan to stay with the same surgeon for some unfathomable reason. So Megan asks the questions again.
What's wrong with my leg?
Why is it swelling?
Sometimes it's hot to the touch, and the skin is red. Is this normal?
And today, someone got their head out of their butt, and decided, maybe, just maybe she may have a blood clot. So they booked an appointment for a doppler and sent her home.
I should mention that blood clots are a serious and well-known complication of both surgical procedures and lower leg fractures. One would think that doctors would be checking, oh, routinely for that sort of thing. But eight months out, this is the first time anyone has checked her, listened to her symptoms which have not changed in months, and followed up.
They sent her home.
Without explaining what a blood clot is. Without explaining the risk factors, or telling her how to care for herself. I only know about the appointment because she doesn't have a phone, and the doctor's office called me to give the appointment time.
No one talked to her about pulmonary embolisms. About the symptoms to look for (chest pain, shortness of breath, breathing difficulty, feeling lightheaded or faint). They just sent her home. Alone.
It's not necessarily good practice to scare people, but really, some basic self-care is required. Rest. Elevate the leg. Watch for warning signs of complications. Is that too difficult?
Or do medical professionals feel that routine instructions are beyond the capacity of a young female?
What if I were asking the questions? Or her stepdad? Would we be getting different answers, more complete answers? If we were pushing for a second opinion, I bet the doctor would allow us to seek one out.
Ageism. Sexism. The thing is, my daughter has been living independently since shortly before she turned 18. She is a competent adult. She can figure things out. As a human being, she deserves to be treated the same as any other adult woman or man who walks into a doctor's office, or who is carried through emergency room doors on a stretcher.
If she has a blood clot, she's had it for months. My kid has been a walking time bomb and I didn't even know. She could have died. She might, still. What would I do without her?
I'm worried. and I'm completely pissed off. Can you tell?
Megan broke her right tibia/fibula. It was an open fracture, she was hospitalized, had surgery, was sent home with an estimated 3-4 month recovery time.
It's been eight months. During three of those months she needed round the clock care - she could walk with crutches, but she was unable to carry anything, do anything for herself including cooking, carrying things, getting up out of bed, getting up and down the stairs independently.
Eight months later, almost to the day, she's still using a crutch or cane, she's only able to weight bear 50%. Her lower leg is swollen, and sometimes hot to the touch. We've seen our family practitioner and our surgeon multiple times. Sometimes I can go with her, and sometimes I can't. She wants answers. She gets platitudes:
"Some people take longer to heal than others."
"Do you smoke (no!)If you smoke, it will take longer for you to heal."
"Just keep going to physio, and here, try this ultrasound machine."
"We'll assess in two, four, six, ten weeks. You might need additional surgery."
Last week, her physiotherapist wrote a note to her GP, requesting that Megan receive a second orthopedic opinion. Apparently her muscles have healed, and are fully strengthened. But she still can't walk properly, or weight bear.
Which means that she can't work, go to school, go for a walk longer than two or three blocks, ride a bike, dance, do the normal things that 19 year olds like to do. She needs to keep her leg elevated a lot of the time, because if she doesn't it will swell. So no movies or concerts (I sneaked her out to see the Indigo Girls, but she elevated her leg on the ride down to Buffalo and back).
She volunteers at my workplace although it gives her pain because she's desperate to leave the house.
It will be a very long time before she works retail again. She's a high-school dropout. Retail is all she knows. She will likely not be able to do any work that requires prolonged standing.
My kid is strong. Her sudden loss of independence has been a test of her strength, and she's come out on top, emotionally. But she's paying for someone else's carelessness.
First of all, drivers need their hands on the steering wheel. I've used my cell phone in the car, only if I have to, but for crying out loud, why would anyone think it's okay to take their hand (s) off the wheel and then proceed to look down to write a text message? That's just dumb.
And then there are the worthies in the medical profession. The doctors who have not taken my daughter seriously. Who, even now, are disregarding her symptoms, and ignoring her questions. She's been asking the same question for months and no one has given her an answer.
What's wrong with my leg?
Surely a family physician and an ortho surgeon can put their heads together and arrive at an answer. Or seek out the opinion of colleagues. Or something.
But no, she gets platitudes.
Today, she went to our family doctor to ask, for the third time, for a second medical opinion. The doctor refused - she wants Megan to stay with the same surgeon for some unfathomable reason. So Megan asks the questions again.
What's wrong with my leg?
Why is it swelling?
Sometimes it's hot to the touch, and the skin is red. Is this normal?
And today, someone got their head out of their butt, and decided, maybe, just maybe she may have a blood clot. So they booked an appointment for a doppler and sent her home.
I should mention that blood clots are a serious and well-known complication of both surgical procedures and lower leg fractures. One would think that doctors would be checking, oh, routinely for that sort of thing. But eight months out, this is the first time anyone has checked her, listened to her symptoms which have not changed in months, and followed up.
They sent her home.
Without explaining what a blood clot is. Without explaining the risk factors, or telling her how to care for herself. I only know about the appointment because she doesn't have a phone, and the doctor's office called me to give the appointment time.
No one talked to her about pulmonary embolisms. About the symptoms to look for (chest pain, shortness of breath, breathing difficulty, feeling lightheaded or faint). They just sent her home. Alone.
It's not necessarily good practice to scare people, but really, some basic self-care is required. Rest. Elevate the leg. Watch for warning signs of complications. Is that too difficult?
Or do medical professionals feel that routine instructions are beyond the capacity of a young female?
What if I were asking the questions? Or her stepdad? Would we be getting different answers, more complete answers? If we were pushing for a second opinion, I bet the doctor would allow us to seek one out.
Ageism. Sexism. The thing is, my daughter has been living independently since shortly before she turned 18. She is a competent adult. She can figure things out. As a human being, she deserves to be treated the same as any other adult woman or man who walks into a doctor's office, or who is carried through emergency room doors on a stretcher.
If she has a blood clot, she's had it for months. My kid has been a walking time bomb and I didn't even know. She could have died. She might, still. What would I do without her?
I'm worried. and I'm completely pissed off. Can you tell?
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