Monday, July 28, 2008

not camping

Really, we're not.

We're Kamping. (my sister coined this valuable phrase).We'll probably end up sandwiched between two enormous motor homes on a site with no shade. This is as close as we can get to camping without actually killing each other.

Do I sound excited, or what?

I haven't had time to put my thoughts on paper since last Thursday. There is so much sadness in my heart right now. I can't stay. I can't not stay.

It would be great if we were roommates, or best friends. I get through things by pretending that's what we are. It would be easier if things were hard. Really.

I'll think for a while "It will be okay. I can do this." But the minute he touches me, something inside me shrinks. That's the only way to explain it. Mind you, this is not a new feeling - since Emily was born, I've been slowly losing my drive, and I've been at best a passive participant in things sexual. I thought that there was something wrong with me, that I was frigid, or that my drive was lower than normal. You know, getting older and all that.

Now that I've acknowledged my sexual identity, the thought of being with him is not appealing. I wish it was. I try. But I can't bring myself to...and I feel guilty about it, and I try harder and it gets worse.

Things have to change. I know what this means. I hope that we can find a way to make the transition for E as smooth and comfortable as humanly possible. And if we can make some arrangement where we can live in the same house, aleit separately for a time, so much the better. I don't know.

The good thing is that we are good friends. And I can talk to him about this - I think. It will be the hardest thing to tell him, and I know it has to happen, but I keep putting it off. How? How do you break someone's heart?


Earth Muffin said...

I read someone else's blog who is going through something similar. She is about the same age as you and also has children to consider as she feels her way through this situation. You can link her through my page, she's "Old Crone", or find her at Maybe you could contact her and the two of you can help each other through your respective transitions. If anything, it would be nice to keep in touch with someone who knows almost exactly where you're coming from.

I wish you well on this journey.

amy said...

And I actually know of someone (in my 'real' life) who's going through the same thing... she's a bit younger and is a SAHM of two children that is definitely making the situation SO much harder. Fortunately, when she made the decision to talk to her husband, he was very supportive and quite understanding (as he can be). Of course, she's preparing herself for the day when reality sets in for him... in the meantime, she's leaning on her small, but growing, support system...

SUCH a hard process - I can't even imagine.

But ultimately, you HAVE to be happy in your life. It might be painful getting there, but SO, very worth it when you do...

Maria said...

I know Old Crone too and she is an incredible person to connect with. Her journey is so close to yours.

This has got to be so, so difficult. The one good thing, I suppose, is that you don't have to hide (Old Crone is still in the closet with her husband) and can talk honestly.

Hang in there...I'm thinking of you.