burn out

The news is making me sad. And tired.

I'm watching a giant shift take place - a shift that seems to be taking place in spite of insurmountable odds. Wall Street. Montreal. There are large numbers of people out there protesting - peacefully and vocally - while I sit at home. But while I am not physically there, I support these movements in spirit.

My country is in the hands of an oligarchic, money-hungry Conservative government that cares nothing for the people, the beauty and diversity of the land, or the protections enacted over the years to protect people from hardship, and the country from environmental ruin.

I feel despair at every turn. How do we stop these monstrous wheels of government from turning? How can I, one woman with a job, a home to run, and many things to take care of make a difference?

I do what I can and it seems like so little. My square foot garden is providing me with vegetables to eat all summer, and food to preserve for winter. I try to make a tiny little footprint by buying local, by upcycling, by avoiding packaged food and supporting local businesses and craftspeople wherever possible. But what is that, compared to the gutting of most significant environmental protections, so that oil can be extracted, pipelines can be laid, and lands destroyed without consequence? Am I really making a difference?

I have words to say, I write them down, and I dream up a spoken word piece that encapsulates my feeling, my belief that if we work as one, if we rise up, we can win. But at the same time, the energy to resist leaves me, and I become like a balloon with a pinprick. I gravitate back to despair. How can we create the country we want, the country that holds beauty and promise for our descendants, when those in power, and those with money are hell-bent on destroying it?

I haven't felt this negative in years, not since my post-coming-out depression. It's hard to shake. It's difficult to think positive.

But there is something greater than hate. And something better than despair.And I can only hope that we will endure this struggle and win.

Now I need to find my way back to love and hope.