Friday, May 18, 2012

five months

since I last posted.

Not for lack of inspiration.
I have plenty to say.
There have been so many good things happening, so it isn't a wave of depression.
Or writer's block. I am writing.

So what's with the blog silence?

  • I made a commitment to myself almost two years ago to write every day, first thing in the morning. Two or three pages, or sometimes more. Sometimes it's half a page, depending on what time the girl awakens and begins her daily round of chatter. The eight-year-old, I mean. Many days, my morning pages are all I have time for.
  • Having three people in the household gives me less time in general. Not that it's more work, but I have to spread myself around a bit more. 
  •  I own an iphone. I use my iphone to surf the net all the time. This means that I use my laptop a lot less than I did a year ago. I have not yet found joy in blogging on my iphone.
  • Like the shoemaker's children, I am currently barefoot. My web-designing and social media savvy partner is so busy designing websites and Facebook pages for other people that she hasn't been able to work on mine - this in spite of the fact that she bought me my own domain name four months ago. I was kinda waiting....but she needs to actually make money in order to stay self-employed, so I understand. Eventually, I will migrate to my new home.
There are so so many good things happening....

In January I started taking voice lessons for the first time, from an amazing local teacher.  She also teaches guitar - so we combine both elements in our lessons. I have become a much more confident player. And I am slowly, but surely, overcoming my performance anxiety.

I think.

It's the last shred of the social anxiety that's haunted me all my life. In elementary school and high school I was overweight, awkward, and bullied. I've written enough about that part of my life to fill a book - maybe someday I will - but it left me silenced, in the most literal sense. I've always had difficulty communicating. I should put that in past tense, because I don't feel that way anymore. I had to work hard to overcome my social anxieties - which were once very severe. I forced myself to learn the social skills I'd missed in high school.

I learned - at least on the surface, to chat, converse, and make small talk. It's only been the last few years that I've been able to really open up to people. If you look very closely, you can still see the painfully shy girl I used to be. And I will always be an introvert, but hopefully one who is able to perform her music and poetry in public. I have a lot to say.

My teacher Charlena has been an inspiration. She's a singer-songwriter herself, but she's also a classically-trained vocalist, so she hasn't been letting me off easy. I need someone to make me pull up my socks and  improve my upper register. In April, after an extremely productive weekend at the Fen, I finally had the courage to sing one of my own songs to her.

It was hard.

She loved it.

Which has given me the confidence to keep singing, playing and writing.

It's not like I don't have people in my world who support me. Melyssa is my rock. But I've never had the guts to seek out some kind of peer opinion - this in spite of the fact that there are several people that could give me feedback if I asked. So I feel validated, I feel like I can really give myself the name "musician" without overstepping my bounds. And I have a growing list of my own songs that I will perform with confidence. Some day.

Everyone needs a Charlena in their lives.

As for other good things....

I love my job.
I love my girls.
I love Melyssa and everything she's brought into my life.
I love to garden, and I have almost 100 square feet to play with.
I love sustainability, and 100 square feet will feed us, and give me enough vegetables that I can preserve and freeze for the winter.
I love my guitar, and the way it rings when I play it.
Summer is coming. Ferron is turning sixty this year and I will be there! You can be there too. (By the way, what do you think of Ferron's new website??) I have three major events over two weeks - Ferron's birthday, Michfest and FenFest. I am beyond excited.
I love words.
I love music. Here are a few choice tunes to entertain and inspire you.

Did I mention that I saw Amy Ray in concert last week? Cannot get enough!

And finally, Ferron. Four years ago I stumbled into one of her writing workshops and I am forever changed.

crikey, I almost forgot...I'm going to be a grandmother. A very young grandmother with lots of creative, young energy flowing all around me.

1 comment:

MakingSpace said...

Congrats on all of this!!! As a voice teacher, I cried at your description of what it's like for a student... I get so many students like you, who were silenced as children and want to find their voices as adults. It's so amazing to be able to affirm that YES YOU CAN SING, and YES YOU CAN WRITE SONGS!!! It's lovely to read that it means that much to the voice student as well.

Also, congrats grandma!