As usual

When things are uncomfortable and intense I tend to shut down. I don't write about everything that's stressful until after it's passed. Instead I write about how much I like my new job. I really do like it. However, in the same week I started my new job, N moved out, my daughter M moved in, I went shopping for a car, I had to set some boundaries around this residence being our house, but my home, I was almost late for my Samhain ritual because my dad insisted on buying gas at Canadian tire, and N and I had some really intense discussions that centered around financial things.

In short, I am stressed.

And I feel like the roller coaster that's been my life for the last few months is continuing it's pattern. It moves fast - up, down, sometimes upside down. I can't catch my breath. I can't orient myself to this earth, because it is always shifting underneath me.

I'd like some calm, please.

Once I find my feet, I may have time to cook dinner again. And sit quietly with a glass of wine, all by myself, and do nothing at all. That will be nice.

In the meantime, I'll keep my shoulder belt fastened, and tie down my belongings. Until I've completed the circuit a few more times. I'll climb off, feel dizzy for a little while, and start living my life again.

I love Samhain. New year starts for me when life in the natural world is coming to a close, is winding down for the quiet, contemplative season of winter. Death is part of the cycle that bring rebirth and renewal. It's kind of fitting that it all happened this week - it feels like a cycle has come to a close, and a new one is beginning. At the ritual tonight, when everyone called forth their beloved dead, to honour and remember them, I bid a silent farewell to the old me, the me who lived in fear, who didn't live because she was fearful. I took off my black cloak, and underneath I was wearing this kick-ass velvet dress (that my friend KS found for me in a thrift store last week) that made me look absolutely amazing. And I felt as good as I looked.

I really am not a new person at all. I'm just bringing myself out of hiding.

My sister sent me this song a couple of weeks ago, and wrote that it reminded her of me: