Saturday, September 18, 2010

why am I here?

This is not an esoteric question.

Here I am, sitting in front of the computer on a Friday night. It's late, I'm exhausted, my throat hurts and I really should be in bed.

My girl is in Toronto.My child is upstairs asleep, at last. The dog is sleeping somewhere in the house, because the crazy cat has given up on chasing him around, for the moment.

I had a reiki session today. I was reminded at the time that the resilient willow has branches that bend and break against strong force, but it is always putting out little shoots of life and beginning anew. On the other hand, an oak tree is strong and sturdy, but when it meets a force greater than itself, it breaks, and does not renew itself so easily. Yielding myself to the situation may be difficult, but I need to remember my resiliency and know that no matter the outcome, I can survive and begin again.

Nothing negative is happening in my life right now. But I've been plagued with doubt....doubts about my own feelings, my own self-worth, and my sense of place. I've come a long way, but I'm still not as open, as open to love as I should be.

I am loved - so deeply that it scares me. What if I can't reciprocate? What if something goes wrong? What if I discover, after all, that she's not the one. I feel like I'm inviting negativity back into my life, that once I speak my fears that I will manifest them. And it's all because I don't want to be broken, and at the same time, I don't want to break anyone else. I forget that I am not the only willow on the riverbank. In fact, the tiny creek beside my house is blessed with dozens of willows, because they are so fruitful, and resilient. Maybe she's a willow, too.

I waited up tonight to get her text message. it's Yom Kippur and my love is away until tomorrow night (partly because she is Jewish and partly because she scored 17th row floor-seat tickets to see The Wall in Toronto on \saturday....I'm not jelaous at all). And I had tears in my eyes when I came home to discover that she had done the dishes, and cleaned the house before she left. Even though she has her own house, and her own domestic things to do. I've been battling some kind of virus since yesterday, and she knows how tired I am.

Here's the thing: two years ago I left an unhappy relationship - I came out as a lesbian, and I became aware of the cost of dependency. The equity in the house was smaller than our debt. I had no job, no income, and no money of my own. I had to begin again - job, housing, car, and coming out to friends and family all at the same time. I can't be dependent in that way ever again. But sometimes I get confused. Dependency is not the same as yielding - allowing myself to receive. I have always taken care of people. It's my job, it's a big part of who I am. And while I was financially cared for in my last relationship, emotionally I was set adrift and left to fend for myself. I was isolated from my friends,and family, and many of the things I loved.

I can't go back there. I'm so hyper-vigilant about remaining independent that I'm poised to refuse all decent offers of help, love and support because I want to make it on my own. This is not a good thing, because I don't want to be alone (well, not all the time, although my solitude is still a precious thing). In order to be a partner - a good one - I have to surrender, allow myself to receive, and remind myself that I am, indeed, worthy of all these amazing things that are filling my life. Truly.

Amy over at Making Space and I have been trading  Ivan Coyote links. It came to my attention yesterday that she and Kate Reid are planning some kind of collaboration. I can't wait - Kate's in SW Ontario this week and I'm heading out to see her tomorrow night. So, in the spirit of joint ventures, I bring you both amazing talents on the same blog page.


One of the things that I love about her is how her landscapes infuse her writing.


This is one of my favourites....hope you like it....

14 comments:

~Just me again~ said...

It's been a long time since I made my rounds in blog land. SOunds a bit like you're in the same boat as me ...so to speak. I too live seperately from my G/F, (it's really complicated LOL to get into it here). But I can relate. I left my husband, came out, had the battles with family and friends. Through all of this, my GF left her job, her family, her life, to move up here some 2500 miles away to be with me. I know she really loves me as why else would one sacrifice all that to live alone up here?

Camlin said...

Well, my gf and I have only been together for five months. Seeing as there's a child involved (mine) we need to take our time before we make a decision about living together. We are together a lot, but we live two hours apart from each other - that gets hard. January and February are going to be interesting months....

Eileen Pennington said...

it seems we invest so much more of ourselves into our female relationships, so much that it DOES scare us.

until i moved to be with my Love, we were 4+ hours apart, and there were times, even then, even knowing how much i loved her and knowing how much she loved me, that i was scared the move wouldn't work.

you are going to have to open up and share your fears with your Love. because then and only then can you BOTH work on them. each and everyone of those questions will be answered.

take a deep breath, relax best you can, and just start talking...

Making Space said...

It'll work out. Hugs. Ah you have a huge heart.

I'm listening to Hawaiian music as I read but later I'll be back for Ivan and Kate, promise.

leigh said...

I am so thankful to have found all these wonderful blogs, you and making space....I am in the process of coming out. Leaving my husband of 11 years have 3 kids and have been a stay at home mom for 10 years, to say I'm scared is an understatement, but it's amazing to know that I am not alone, and others have been there.

Camlin said...

Eileen - scary, isn't it. I'm not used to the unconditional thing at all.

M S - hawaiian music, eh? Interesting...

Leigh - Welcome! I don't think I could have made it through this process without my real-life and internet community. So much support, and I hope I can be the same for you.

~Just me again~ said...

I know about the kids...it's why we're still not living together. And mine aren't even 'kids' so to speak LOL.

Dragon said...

I run into this too when I meet someone new or get into a relationship. I am so use to being independant and doing my own thing. With so many bad relationships in the past I become picky and when I meet someone I get the fear of getting too close. What if they aren't that person, what if I am getting blinded by love again, I don't want to depend on anyone or let go of myself. It is very hard but the only thing I keep reminding myself is to live day to day and just be. Be me, live my life, be happy, let go of the negative and everything will fall into place. :-)

Redbone210 said...

Camlin, your past sounds hauntingly like mine. The only difference is that I worked FT, so I was financially independent - sorta. It's very easy to get accustomed to 2 incomes and when one is no longer there, it's scary to handle the burden alone.

I too find it hard to accept all the love and the care that is coming my way. Luckily, I am involved with someone who reassures me that her love comes with no strings. Her kindness is genuine. And that she will be there for me (and my kids) in any way that I will allow her to. She is such a gift and a blessing.

Let your girl in. You truly deserve all the good stuff she's offering.

Maria said...

I had never even heard of Ivan Coyote before I read your blog and now I am sort of smitten.

Camlin said...

Maria, I am sort of smitten, too!

Zebsmom said...

I think sometimes we are so used to things in our lives not working out the way we want them to that that just becomes what we expect and feel the most comfortable with. I understand your need for independence, as to depend on only yourself is safe, secure. I understand your fears that if you think these thoughts that just might make them reality. The law of attraction says what we think will happen does....but that is because we force them to. I think you have done alot of life changing over the past couple of years and you need to feel comfortable in the skin you are in. I think it is quite normal to doubt what is happening, as it's new and something you have never experianced before. My advice, for all it's worth is go with the flow....have no expectations. Don't lable, feel what is true and don't wait for the ball to drop or it will. Enjoy where you are right now today, and let the feeling flow as they will. Don't think about is this the one, or not, will this last forever, will I always be this happy. Just except that this what the universe wants you to have today, and when it wants something different then that is what you are intended to have then. Enjoy this new discovery period and try not to over analize. Just my humble opinion. I love the way you write, you have a gift!

Camlin said...

It's been hard work getting comfortable in my skin - I think that's why I waited so long to have any kind of relationship. I needed to give myself time and space, and even though there were times that I was horribly lonely, being alone was by far better than jumping right into another relationship. I like what I have. I love what I have - it's big, and powerful. And scary, in its own way.

BTW - are you going to see Ivan? She's coming to the storytelling festival...

Zebsmom said...

I hope to make it, do you buy tickets, or do you just show up. I can't find any details, so if you have any could you pass them on. I would love to meet up with you and your girl!