Camlin's Crooked Line: September 2010

This is not an esoteric question.

Here I am, sitting in front of the computer on a Friday night. It's late, I'm exhausted, my throat hurts and I really should be in bed.

My girl is in Toronto.My child is upstairs asleep, at last. The dog is sleeping somewhere in the house, because the crazy cat has given up on chasing him around, for the moment.

I had a reiki session today. I was reminded at the time that the resilient willow has branches that bend and break against strong force, but it is always putting out little shoots of life and beginning anew. On the other hand, an oak tree is strong and sturdy, but when it meets a force greater than itself, it breaks, and does not renew itself so easily. Yielding myself to the situation may be difficult, but I need to remember my resiliency and know that no matter the outcome, I can survive and begin again.

Nothing negative is happening in my life right now. But I've been plagued with doubt....doubts about my own feelings, my own self-worth, and my sense of place. I've come a long way, but I'm still not as open, as open to love as I should be.

I am loved - so deeply that it scares me. What if I can't reciprocate? What if something goes wrong? What if I discover, after all, that she's not the one. I feel like I'm inviting negativity back into my life, that once I speak my fears that I will manifest them. And it's all because I don't want to be broken, and at the same time, I don't want to break anyone else. I forget that I am not the only willow on the riverbank. In fact, the tiny creek beside my house is blessed with dozens of willows, because they are so fruitful, and resilient. Maybe she's a willow, too.

I waited up tonight to get her text message. it's Yom Kippur and my love is away until tomorrow night (partly because she is Jewish and partly because she scored 17th row floor-seat tickets to see The Wall in Toronto on \saturday....I'm not jelaous at all). And I had tears in my eyes when I came home to discover that she had done the dishes, and cleaned the house before she left. Even though she has her own house, and her own domestic things to do. I've been battling some kind of virus since yesterday, and she knows how tired I am.

Here's the thing: two years ago I left an unhappy relationship - I came out as a lesbian, and I became aware of the cost of dependency. The equity in the house was smaller than our debt. I had no job, no income, and no money of my own. I had to begin again - job, housing, car, and coming out to friends and family all at the same time. I can't be dependent in that way ever again. But sometimes I get confused. Dependency is not the same as yielding - allowing myself to receive. I have always taken care of people. It's my job, it's a big part of who I am. And while I was financially cared for in my last relationship, emotionally I was set adrift and left to fend for myself. I was isolated from my friends,and family, and many of the things I loved.

I can't go back there. I'm so hyper-vigilant about remaining independent that I'm poised to refuse all decent offers of help, love and support because I want to make it on my own. This is not a good thing, because I don't want to be alone (well, not all the time, although my solitude is still a precious thing). In order to be a partner - a good one - I have to surrender, allow myself to receive, and remind myself that I am, indeed, worthy of all these amazing things that are filling my life. Truly.

Amy over at Making Space and I have been trading Ivan Coyote links. It came to my attention yesterday that she and Kate Reid are planning some kind of collaboration. I can't wait - Kate's in SW Ontario this week and I'm heading out to see her tomorrow night. So, in the spirit of joint ventures, I bring you both amazing talents on the same blog page.